2012

     It's been a first quarter since 2012. My children are getting bigger. Tuah, my eldest is now in form 1 and now he is as almost as big as me. Aniq is in standard three while Intan who is heavier than her brother Aniq is in standard 1. All and all we are doing fine. I tried my best to gave them what their need, and sometime not need but just to satisfy their needs.

     Hi. My name is Hafiz and I am a single father. I have three kids and my parents is helping me raise them. End March I will be jobless. The road on 2012 will be hard. I foreseen it and I guess I have to drive through, or maybe make new path for me. It is scary, but that's what I will be doing.

     I was working with this Japanese company(present while typing this) for more than 10 years. I quit my job in 2008, a few months after my wife passed away. Seriously, my reason for quitting was not because I lost her. I quit for my children. After my wife passed away, my mother in law volunteered to care for my children until I can stand on my own two feet or I remarried. I guessed remarried was out of the question, so I tried to stood  and planned my path. I planned not to depended to others but myself. I thought I can survived on my own with my little children.

     I have saving that I thought enough to become a modern farmer. I did worked hard for it. I went for a paid course, learned about it, Google it, I even site visits to my friend's farm and  a few others. I know I can make it. So I quit, and started my own farm. I rent a factory and do it there. A grey oyster mushroom farm, in a small factory near my house in Semenyih.

     I had two partners who was willing(at first) to joined me on my adventure. Both of them worked, while I alone worked the farm. It was doing well at first. I sold a lot. I can get around RM30-RM100 a day. At the end of the day it was not enough. There was enough for me and my children, but was not enough to make the business going, so it's gone, regretfully so was the money. It was supposed to split into three but in the end it was all my savings.

     It was a lesson in life that i have to swallowed, how ever bitter it was, I held it in. Thus I was again accepted into my all company and again become the Managing Director's driver. I guess everything was planned for me by Him, the Al-mighty and I accepted it with open hands. All this happened in 2008. I guessed it was my personal black year.


      Zoomed 4 years and we are back in 2012. We can't predict the future. We can planned but what we plan does not mean it will happen exactly as planned. Good things never last. Not for me. Maybe I still have sins that I need to repent. I will lost my job. End of this month I will be jobless. I tried to find other works, but for a 39 years old man without any qualifications and trying to find a new job is actually hard. If you don't trust me, try it. Quit your job and go find a decent job. A decent job that pays you 3k per month.

    That's what I need. At least. The abrupt turned of my life made me realize that I cannot depends forever with a monthly salary. I need more time with my kids, and earn more money. I made up my mind and my new adventure will begin early next month, 1st April...and I hope I am not a fool....

      
   

anniversary...

yesterday was a memorable day,
no one will take that away,
a memory I cherish until He took my last breath away,
with the person who love me come what may,


tried my best to act cool,
tried my best not be a fool,
but my heart had it owns rule,
at dawn I prayed for her soul...

done deal
31012012

A birthday card

: while looking for my missing things, I found a birthday card, for my late wife from me  to her. dated 14th September 2005. As usual a poem i wrote titled "This Year" in the card and it said;

last but not least,
we agreed and we quarrelled,
last but not least,
we hugged an we cuddled,

last but not least,
we've been there and done that,
last but not least,
together we are great and that's that,

as long as you are around,
i will be sound,
as long as you are my wife,
i will strive,
as long as the list goes on,
the reasons will be our bond,

Happy birthday girl,
may your little wishes comes true,
may your big wishes will be true,
last but not least...
...........i love you...

                                                              abang
                                                               13092005

p/s : we bought a big house!!!



done deal
1231
30012012

Found - a higher note

        I felt like time moved very fast.Too fast. My youngest, Intan is now 7 years old. Year one in school. I tried to held my tears on her 1st day of school. I think I looked like a fag in front of others parents. They look very happy with their camera clicking and smiling ear to ear. This was my third experience, my third child, maybe the last one who will used my name at the end of her name. Unless if I remarried, and have children, though at this stage, now, as I am writing this, I am very doubtful of that will happen.

          I am 39 years old this year, and I noticed a few things that confirmed I am getting older. I am not sure about wiser, but so far I manage to made a few wise cracks. It's getting harder to read, the words look like it's out of focus, I can't lift heavy things and can't squat down for a long period of time. I know most of you who knows me will say that I was lacking on the exercise department, but doing my household chores and raising three children is exercise enough. 

        2012 marked the 4th year I am a single father. Truth to be told I am not tired of it. It scared me to think if I remarried and my children will have a step mother who will put Cinderella's or Snow White's step mother to shame. Alas I'm glad to say I found one. She was not what I expected but more. What I sincerely surprised was she fell in love with my late wife and always cried when I talked about her, and always asked for more stories.  She's the only one from my others previous girlfriends who wanted and insisted to come and visit Siti's grave. She also said she regretted not able to know her before she passed.

         When she met my children for the 1st time she was not awkward or even embarrassed. My children fancied her, especially Intan and Aniq. Tuah also confided his thoughts and feeling more to her than me. I did test her by bringing my children to a water park and bring her along. I left my children and her playing in the water while I sat and enjoyed my rest. From afar I could see them having fun in the sun like a family. Even though it was more like a big sister playing with her siblings.

          Every relationship have problems. I know that more than anyone else. I know that I am looking for trouble because of her age, but for me age is not a barrier, it should not matter, it should not be accountable. What matters is how we felt for each other, how we felt when being with each other, how we made each other and how we took care of each other. Still we are bound to what people think of us, what people talked about us at our backs. My families and friends will say she is too young. Her families and friends will say I am too old, a single father even, with three kids. Not a rich man, or a well position man, just a common. 

        I did told her this, but she don't care. She don't mind. she is willing. What can I say about that? I pitied her for fallen for me, but at the same time I am glad. Even though I know the road to happiness is going to be hard, still I should try. No harm done. Well, maybe our hearts will break into a million pieces, but at least we tried. I know there will be hardship from both sides and I know even families and closest of friends will talk us out of it, and discussed about us with length behind our back. Maybe even felt embarrassed just looking at us. 

        Let me answer your questions before you asked them; Is she too young? Yes. Is she matured enough? I think so(but then childish made her adorable) Can she took care of my children? No, but we, I and her, can. Can she take care of me tomorrow?, and won't she grew tired of me and left me for younger guys after we get married? I don't know, I cannot predict the future, can you?

       I think, the biggest, highest, deepest, longest hurdle that we have to go through are her parents and families. I know who I am. I know my status, and as a father I know how will her father thinks of me. I told her to wait for the right moment to tell her father and I guessed it will took another a year or two. I do want it to be over(marry her) and done with it(her father's conclusion) as soon as possible, just to know either will it be a happy ending or vice versa. But then again, I was lonely for 4 years, what does another 2 can do to harm me.

      I am off track. This was not what I wanted to write on my blog at the 1st place. Just a thought wanted to share, though with all the sadness in my life, I found a bit of happiness. I found, again I can fall in love again. I now have someone I shared everything in my mind without prejudice without any censorship. She knows almost everything about me, even my financial problems. When you found someone who don't care less what you make a month, keep her. She is to die for. 

hafiz's done deal 27012012

p/s no picture... hehehe...

Today...4 years ago (17th January 2008)

while i recite the sya'adah,

the doctor put a hand on my shoulder,

told me she was gone forever,

he had to tell me three times before I considered,

i kissed her cheek, forehead and whisper in her ear,

I love you forever and ever.............................

early morning,

i gave her a kiss,

on her hand, forehead cheek and lips,

felt like the world is slowing down,

while i covered her head with her blanket,

a corner i found and  i cry.........

that morning,

i called everybody i knew,

i called everybody she knew,

i do what ever i could,

keep me busy to bring her home,

to do any muslim would do,

and do as properly as i should....

that morning,

my ear was ringing,

my hand was shaking,

my leg was wobbling,

my heart was pumping,

but my eyes has stopped crying....

that morning,

i told myself i have to be strong,

for my eldest tuah,

for my aniq,

and for my baby girl intan,

have to tell them it's going to be okay going to be fine....

that morning,

as i get down from the van,

saw tuah infront the door,

holding and kissing her mother's sandal,

looking at me with dread and crying,

at that moment i cried with my son.

that morning,

after she had her last bath,

aniq and intan holding each of my hand,

but they don't want to kiss her,

to them she will soon be awake,

she will soon be hugging them again....

that night and every night,

when everybody gone back,

after everybody sleep tight,

i was still wide awake,

every night praying that she is well,

every night praying that i will see her again...

i know He had planned for me,

i know He knew that i can take it well,

i do redha He took her away,

who ever said time will heal,

i know they are lying,

because it's been 4 years and i don't think it will......

done deal 17012011

Today...4 years ago (16th January 2008)

early of the night.

she told me she want to sleep beside.

while holding my hand tight,

though she can't sleep right,

sitting almost upright

middle of the night,

she complaint that she can't sleep,

her breath shallow and can't breath deep,

her stomach ache and had cold feet,

i want to bring her to hospital but she decline and said she was allright...

early morning,

she was still not sleeping,

and I have to stop pretending,

and force her do what i was offering,

and see her doctor now and not wait till the morning...

middle morning,

I left her,

in the hospital with the nurses and her doctor,

went to work as usual,

after she was sedated,

after she told me to leave her and let her sleep...

early afternoon,

I received a call,

from a nurse in the hospital,

asking me to come immediately,

'cause the doctor want to see me,

as soon i am able...

middle afternoon,

the doctor told me the truth,

hugging me while he did,

told me the dreaded news,

asking me to tell others,

there's no more hope and bring her home...

in the late afternoon,

i sat holding her cold hand,

while an oxygen mask on her face,

we whispered our love for each other,

she whispered her requests,

she said her good byes...

early evening,

i went home,

living her with her mother,

hoping to see her tomorrow,

hoping to bring her back,

hoping she could say her good byes to her 3 children...

late evening,

i sleep with my youngest on my arm, 

with my 2nd son on the other,

a call came in and it was my mother,

told me to come because it is time,

i rushed to her as fast as i dare to drive....

early morning next day,

sat by her bedside,

looking at her with water in my eyes,

with an ache in my heart,

her eyes was close,

her heartbeat was slow...

the same early morning,

i whispered to her ear,

and i said to her,

in the name of Allah as your husband,

i forgave you for whatever you said and did,

go in peace to your Maker....

while i recite the sya'adah,

the doctor put a hand on my shoulder,

told me she was gone forever,

he had to tell me three times before I considered,

i kissed her cheek, forehead and whisper in her ear,

I love you forever and ever.............................

done deal 16012012

Still Standing Tall

      It has been almost 5 years I haven't been able to throw away a single things that belong to her, and every time I thought I have a courage to do so I chickened out. My heart started pumping faster, my eyes begin to water, even my hands started to shiver. So I stop and packed her things back in a box and reminded my self that i will do it later. Yes I did give away a few things, clothes, tudungs, accessories, but I still keep things that I felt close to, things that I loved to see her wearing it. Even her undies I havent had the heart to throw it away. My jewel, Intan even asked me to keep a few  things (not the undies mind you) that she found pretty so she could wear it when she is bigger and older. 


    I know it sounded pathetic, even cruel for me to still keep hanging on to this stuff, and I know she will not come back to wear all of her belongings and  I also know that if I ever marry again my future wife will not want to have my late wife's stuff. 


     This end of 2011, I decided to rent out my beloved house, since I need the money, (my children is getting bigger but my salary getting lesser) but the problem is that the house is still full with furnitures,  clothes and all the small and tiny stuff of a house. I guess it is time for the children and I to let go the stuffs which we felt a lot of memories disturb feeling. (kenangan mengusik jiwa) 


     We literary dive into our stuff that may be possibly be a lot of rubbish for some but  precious to us. There was a lot! At the end things that we decided to keep, a little of it we felt unneeded. Overall things still piling up, we had to move it before end of this month, before the new tenants come in, and the stuff most importantly we don't  know where to put it.  


     What am I to do? My parents house, though big had no more space to spare. A few of the furniture I think I can squeeze it in, but most of it I have to throw it away. I guess if I do find someone who sacrifice herself to be with me and my children for the rest of my life what left of it, I have no choice but buy new. Hope she can share the cost.(ha-ha)


      Still the same problem occurred, I still have that beat of my heart, that water in my eyes, the shake of my hands to either throw or keep my late beloved wife's stuffs. Standing tall I have to do it, I want to do it, I need to do it on my own. I really hope I could throw or give away most of it but keep at least a box of her precious memories... or two...maybe three. Standing tall my a**!




hafiz's 121211

The Plan - Chapter 13

We have been together for almost 5 years, and we know that someday we will get married but somehow it was not in our agenda at that point of time. I was also afraid to tell my parents. I came from a big family. I have 2 older sisters, 3 older brothers and a younger sister. I am the 6^th child from seven siblings.

            One of my biggest problem was my two elder brothers were still not yet married.  One of them didn’t have any girlfriend even. In our culture a younger sibling marrying another before they do, was like stepping a rocky stone, but luckily my parents was not that orthodox. Still, to utter the words to them was scary. So I keep my mouth shut and waited for them until that one fine day.

            It was one of the weekend on august 1997, I was at the time was at home. I knew her parents were at Siti’s, so I didn’t have any plan with her, I knew she want to spend her time with her family, so I stayed home. When I received the call, she came straight to the point and asked me to come to her house. Her father wants to have a word with me. I asked why, and all she answered was “just come.” I can hear the trembled in her voice, I am not sure either the tremble was due to excitement or she was scared.

            In half an hour I was on my bike and on the way to her house, they were patiently waiting for me at the dining table. I said my greetings and shake hands (hand kissed and all), her father asked me to sit down. My Siti sat beside me and smile. The first question from her father made me sat straight. “Do you love my daughter, Hafiz?”

            “Yes, Pakcik, I do.” said I.

            “Do you Along (a name she called her 1^st born), love Hafiz?” he asked again.

            “Yes, Abah, I love him so much.” Her answer made me proud and I squeezed her delicate hand.

            “What is your future plan, Hafiz? You had been dating Along for almost ten years now, when do you plan to tie the knot. Both of you are old enough and I love you like a son, so I do want you to be my son in law.” His face was so serious. Siti’s mother was sitting beside her husband and keeps nodding her head.

            I considered my answer and said; “I do want to marry her, Pakcik, Makcik, but my two brothers are still not yet married. I have to wait for them.”

            “When?” he asked.

            “I am not sure…” it was the best answer I could gave at that time, and it was the wrong answer.

            “A few days ago a group came to my house and asked about Along. They were asking for her hand. Pakcik told them that my daughter had someone else in mind, and she also was going to be engage soon. I don’t like to lie, Hafiz, so I really like you to come with your family and make it happen, as soon as possible. I am not asking you to marry Along in this near future. Just an engagement, so other people would not come and try to take her away from you.” Her father explained.

            I was lost for words, at the same time excited because I have her parents blessing. I didn’t know how to answer. It was not a request. It was a choice. Either I come and sent my family to ask for her hand, or I lost her to someone else, and that was not an option I want to consider.

            While I again squeezing my lover’s hand to gain strength, I answered, “Okay, pakcik. I will tell my parents and will try to persuade them.”

            We started to discuss the date and time for my family and I could come. It was set on school holidays, November 9^th. We then discussed the appropriate things like the gifts, what to bring, what to do and what cannot, so on and so forth.

            The trip back home was a blur. I didn’t notice that I reached home when I did. In my mind I was trying to find the rights words and phrase to ask my parents my plan to step over my brother’s. It was almost dark when I reached home, so, I took a bath and prayed. After isyak, as usual, my parents was sitting and was watching the tube at the living room. I sat down and joined them.

            My heart was pounding heart. It was so hard that I felt like my heart was beside my ear drums, but a man got to do what a man got to do. “Ayah, N’cek (we called my mother N’cek, it is a culture from my father's side), I have something important to tell you.” I blurted out.

            At that time I was alone with my parents in the house, we always do. My eldest sister, Yus was still at Bristol UK. She followed her husband Abang E who is working with Proton. My second sister Munirah is in Segamat with her family, teaching secondary school, my brother Yasir staying in Kelana Jaya also with his family, my other brother Mazhar was at that time still working, my brother Safwat was staying and still studying in Serdang and last but not least my younger sister was still studying and stayed at UITM Shah Alam.

            My parents watched me and waited. I felt that a drop of sweat streamed down my face. There was no backing out now; “I want to get engage with Siti on 9^th November at her parents place in Johore.” It was a straight to the point no question ask statement. I could felt that my face was white. Suddenly it was quiet. Even the television was not making sound. All my hearing senses was concentrating and waiting for my father’s answer.




...to be continued...

A Birthday wish...

14th September,

a day to remember,

4 me n my family members,

4 me alone to bear...

a poem should i write,

a poem should i recite,

still a poem untouched,

still a poem she will not sight,

a gift i should buy,

a gift i should ribbon tied,

still a gift untied,

still a gift she will not try,

i am a humble upon YOU,

i kneel in front YOU,

with a prayer of gratitude,

she is now cared under YOU,

for i had done what i could,

i had done what i should,

loving her as much as i could,

and missing her as much as i should,

Happy birthday, dear wife.. may u r at peace...

done deal

15092011

A detour – the missing Link

As many of you know, I befriend with my late wife when we were sixteen, thus there was many memories between us, good and bad. I remembered the 1^st time she came for Hari Raya, timid and beautiful. She came alone. We were seventeen. I was surprised when she came, didn’t expect her to come. We were at that time (I thought) just friends, but as I told you in the previous chapter she had a big crush on me. Half an hour later she was gone. She invited me to go out with her but I declined. My reason? I was tired and in need sleep. Yes, people, I am an idiot.

            Jump 4 years later I was in love with her. On her birthday I was sick though, and I guess as her lover I should celebrate with her but I couldn’t. I had the chicken pox, so I asked my friend Elinna to buy a soft toy and twenty one buds of roses and send it to her office. It made her day. After work she went back and cooks porridge for me and brought it to my house.

           

            She always come to Ampang, but not my house exactly, but near by, and she will called me on a public phone and I will come to her. We went for a “teh tarik” for hours, and every hour I asked her to go home, because she came with her mother motor bike, and she had no license. Sometime I sent her back and got home with a cab.

            At every birthday and anniversary, I will write her a poem, before and after marriage. Once I did not write because the wedding anniversary card had it own poem. The gift it self was expensive, a golden bracelet, it was our 5^th wedding anniversary. She cried when she saw the bracelet, and when she look at the card she, she got angry and ask me “where is my poem? I don’t care about the gift, every time you write me a poem, and that is the most precious to me…”

            Right there and then I wrote her a poem, and she cried again because she made me recited the poem in front of her parents. I was bashful, but I am happy when I saw her tears in her eyes, the spark in it, the way she looked at me, I know I am her champion, who won her heart.

            The point of this entrée was not meant to brag. I have seen relationship breaking down between friends and colleagues, families and foes. My personal advice is you have to maintain the spark. What you did while courting and wooing your partner, like buying flowers, opening doors, holding hands and even a peek on a cheek for no reason at all. 

Recap; a Detour

It has been almost 4 years since she’s gone. She went away in the early dawn. Though  I let her go and redha, but I cannot deny that my heart sometimes ached and felt that she was supposed to be with me now. I felt that I would like to tell people about her, a story that may, I hope, gave the readers  hopes, encouragements, advices,  in a relationship between families and spouse; but mostly I would like the readers; friends and families to know her, to love her as many did.

            I have been through a lot since she’s gone. I lost half part of me. My children lost a mother. Our lives were up side down and from my point of view even now. I am not as good as a father should be. I felt that I don’t have enough time and money to spend with my children. I regretted every time I am not around them.

            I have 3 children, two boys and a girl; Majed Tuah, Aniq Jebat and Intan Seri. They are my life, I die for them, and I would suffer for them if it comes to that. When Siti passed away, my mother in law did ask me to let her take care of my children, stayed with her in Johor; while I work in K,L., but of course I declined as softly as I could, so not to hurt her feeling. I was tempted though, I was not sure if I can give them what they deserved.

            My late wife’s mother is a wonderful person. I could not ask a better person than her as my mom in law. She took after me and my children while Siti was bedridden, and a year after Siti passed. I cannot thank her enough. For her, I was one of her son. We were staying in Semenyih then, but I have to let her went back to ‘kampung’. She still has a mother and need to take care of her.

            A year after that, in 2009, I moved back to Ampang, lived with my parents. I had no choice. I tried to open up my own business; I quit my job and tried my luck. Honestly speaking, if I was not a bankrupt, I think I could make it; I had ideas and a bit of capital, and that was the main problem, a bit only. My grey oyster mushroom is hot in the market. I sold about 30kg per day.

My plan was I don’t need anybody. All I need is my business, my children and my sanity. Each morning I would send Tuah and Aniq to school, while Intan (she’s three n half years old) and I went to my mushroom farm and do some plucking, clean and watered the entire barn. Went back home, cook lunch, if there is enough time, cut the mushroom, bagged it  and went too picked up the boys. After lunch and zuhur send Tuah to his evening school, while Aniq, Intan and I will go and sell the mushrooms. In the evening, picked up Tuah again from school, cook dinner, tucked my children to sleep and I will do some accounting, tidy up the house and rest. The next day I will start all over again.

I should blame this on my business partner. His the one who persuaded me to ventured into the ‘mushrooms’ business, shared the capital he said, but it’s all me at the end. My original planned was to buy a school bus. Get myself a PSV and an E license. Fixed income, almost, a mini bus would do, carried 44 kids at RM40 per person per month.

            All that was history; luckily I was called back to my old job three months after I quit. Working as a driver has no fixed time. My time was my boss’. It belongs to him. I don’t mind. The pay is good; hence my point of not spending much time with my children. I was and will always home late, and I have to most of the time work on weekends. My free time I spent with my children went wherever (usually the movies) and eat whatever. (And people wondered why I am still widowed)

            When Arwah Siti was sicked, we have to use a lot of money. I am not blaming her; I will gladly do it again, even more so if time can turn back. We used a lot of money, I had help from friends and families even co-workers, but it was never enough. I had to sell my car, used to the max my credit cards, made personal loans, missed a lot of monthly payments, etc. Cancer treatment was expensive, and each month my late wife stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks.

            In other words I have debts. Even now I am still paying for it. There is still a few back dated payments. I am struggling, but still Alhamdulillah, I managed. My children went to school with new uniforms every year. Still have new clothes for Raya, but I cannot give them the luxury they wanted. Would love to bring them for holidays but truthfully I cannot afford it.

          

  I pitied my children, tried my best to give things they wanted, but I am a normal man, I could not afford luxuries. Hopefully it would change. Would love to meet a lady n I remarried, so my children have someone to call mother. Planning to do something drastic to overcome my debts and hope it will goes well. Still so many things to do before it become a reality…. Please pray for me and my children.

A Renew Relationship - Chapter 12

A Renew Relationship

          

            We’ve been through a lot for the past years, yet we are still together. She was happy and so was I, and that was the most important thing for us.  All had been forgotten. For me, let by gone be by gone, but for her I knew she sometimes remembered her passed and she cried, most of the time in the middle of the night, I guessed she had a bad dream, she woke me up and told me how sorry she was. I always did the same thing when she was like this, gave her a hug, and whispered to her, “I don’t know what you are talking about, dear.”

            In 1995, I was in ITM. She was so proud and happy for me. At first she was afraid that I had a crushed with other girls who, she thought prettier and smarter than she was. She made sure that would not happened by buying me a pager. (In 1995, mobile phone was considered a luxury). Every morning she would page me and said “I love and missed you.” She also sometime paged me and asked me to call her back if I was free.

            I didn’t think that it was a nuisance. It was the sweetest thing she ever did. While most of my colleagues still looking for a girlfriend, I was content to myself that I have someone who loved me for what I really am. I still remembered how she gave a capital to start a small business while I was studying. It was selling maggi and cigarettes. The business was doing well and the coins were used to call her.  Every time I ran out, she would give me more to buy and sale.

            In 1998, I was out and tried to find a job. Siti did found me one on the same office as hers as an account clerk. She was the receptionist. Everyone knew that we were together and no one ever mind. We went to work and back together, and we spent a lot of time together. Life was good.

            Our parents already knew each other; even my parents didn’t mind we were a couple. Siti would woo my mother, as she knew that my mother was a bit skeptical of our relationship. After her parents accepted me, now it was her turned to do what I did. She really made an effort to proof me her sincere heart. She told me that she never stopped loving me and was always thought of me.

            My mother was not easy persuaded. She (my mother) said to me Siti was too tall and too beautiful for me. She was scared that Siti will let me down. I just smiled and said to my mother; “she’s the one.” My mother disliked her at first because the first time she came to the house; she was not wearing a ‘tudung’ and a bit sexy, wearing a summer sleeveless dress. She learned her lesson when I told her, and she was really trying to get my mother liked her. For me, she would carry my mother up to the peek of a mountain to made my mother accepted her.

           

            After a while my loving mother knew that his son was in love and loyal. Even though her feeling of unacceptable is sill there, but her motherly love to her children was to make her children choose their own path on life (with a lot of advices and naggings). She also felt that Siti’s loved for me was genuine, no will be daughter in law was as daring as her, remember, Siti and I was not even engaged yet.

My late wife path was so bumpy that it is a wonder her heart was still pure. Once, she called herself E.J. I wondered why because her name doesn’t even have these 2 letters. At first I was shocked, but at the end of her life I understand why. She was young and full of anger, and at the same time pointed an accused finger to her father. E.J. stands for Evil Johar. It was rude and cruel, she had her reason. Trees don’t shake without something or someone shaking it.

A little by little she shed her angriness, she became a sensitive person, looking to pleased some one else beside her, especially her brothers and sister. She was always thinking of others before herself, and it was my job to think of her needs. It was not much. She wanted me to be there for her and listened.

Not long, she started wearing a ‘tudung’. I didn’t persuade her to do so. She wore it on her own. I wanted to tell myself I had something to do with it by provoking her. I always bought her tudungs, and told her to keep it for future used, and I always told her that she look prettier and more radiant when she wore a tudung.

It was a great decision. My father was impressed and began to like her, thus our engagement, and that my dear readers will be in the next chapter.





...to be continued...

A mini (car) Poem

It began with an austin 7,
in 1959 it became a sensation,
even celebrities want to earn,
the minies...it want to be driven,

Alec Izigonez was the mastermind,
never thought he could see the sign,
a legend is about to shine,
until today the design is divine,

John Cooper was the culprit,
redesign it so mini can go around the circuit,
rally, touring, you name it,
the whole world can see the mini is great,

Mini is a flexible car,
looks small but the interior is spacious by far,
it can be a wagon, pick up or a family car,
after half a century it's still at par,

it even appears in movies,
The Italian Job and the Mr Bean series,
if there's a category in the oscar nominees,
surely that mini won in a breeze,

now mini can be fabricate,
to whatever design the owner feel fit,
anything can be done to it,
even if you want to put a nuclear jet in it,

From BMC to Morris,
from a prey to a beast,
from west to east,
mini awesomeness cannot be missed,

Owners and fan let us celebrate,
a legend, a sensation a car that is great,
50 years and still no sign of break,
another 50 years let us bake another cake...

p/s : I wrote this for Tish two years ago. He requested this to be recited at the official Mini 50 years celebration day, but unfortunately I have to work and did not get the opportunity to do so. The best part was at the end there were a lucky draw and the winner drive away a mini that he himself fabricated. 

done deal

Roboh Sudah

Roboh sudah rumah ayah,
yang ayah bina dgn penat lelah,
40 tahun berdiri megah,
kini sampai masa ia nya berubah...

Roboh sudah rumah n'cek,
satu ketika amat cantik,
masa mengubah sedetik demi sedetik,
rapuh papan bagai kayu baru berputik,

Rumah ayah sudah roboh,
setelah 40 tahun kami berteduh,
akhirnya tetap  ia jatuh,
dan kami melihat dari jauh,

Roboh la sudah rumah,
tapi tidak apa lah,
penggantinya bakal lebih gah,
dan kami sekeluarga akan segera pindah...

Semoga rumah yang bakal di bina,
bakal di isi dengan gelak ketawa,
bakal di isi dengan iman dan taqwa,
bakal bersama lagi selama mana yang ada.............

241110 done deal

A Year Passed Chapter 11

            I had an accident. I was riding back from Siti’s house. It was around 10pm. Siti told me not to go back, but of course I can’t spend the night. So I ride home. At the junction of Taman Dato’ Ahmad Razali I hit a car. I was going straight; the car was turning into the Taman. I couldn’t stop in time and hit the back of the car. My thigh hit exactly at the back of the car and my femur bone broke into two.

            I felt like I was in a movie, when I saw the car all I managed to say was “oh shit!” When it hit me, it was like a slow motion sequence, flying passed the white car, then hitting the pavement and ending it with….an AAAAaarg!!

            I heard a snap. My right bone had broken, to be precise, my right femur. I was in so much pain after I landed on the hard tar. Luckily I was wearing a full face helmet. I screamed. It was very painful.

The rest was a blur. What I remembered was I gave someone 2 numbers that I would like them to called, my parents, and of course, Siti.

            She came first, as her house was nearer to the hospital. She cried the minute she saw me. She was there until my father and brother arrived. I was hospitalized for a few days. They put a stainless steel brace and screwed it with my broken bone.

            This was it. The year that Siti and I proved our love for each other, but as they said; blessed didn’t came without a hefty priced. I was bed ridden, my right leg was casted.

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            Many people wondered why I haven’t written anything in my blog recently. This chapter is the reason why. I was having a dispute with myself should I tell the story and let the naked truth be told, or I skipped this whole chapter all together. So long I pondered on this, and yet truth be told I cannot. I decided that this part of chapter I will not write for the public view, to those who knew me well, who knew the story, keep it in the heart, and knows that I never stop loving my Siti, and I already put this behind me. I did forgive and forget.

            Sufficed to say that it made our bond tighter than ever, our undying loved for each other become more tangled than ever. I adored her, and I knew, at this moment, after this chapter (which is not told) happened, she loved me more than ever, in her heart and soul only I stand alone….

soulmate

...to be continued...