It has been almost 4 years since she’s gone. She went away in the early dawn. Though I let her go and redha, but I cannot deny that my heart sometimes ached and felt that she was supposed to be with me now. I felt that I would like to tell people about her, a story that may, I hope, gave the readers hopes, encouragements, advices, in a relationship between families and spouse; but mostly I would like the readers; friends and families to know her, to love her as many did.
I have been through a lot since she’s gone. I lost half part of me. My children lost a mother. Our lives were up side down and from my point of view even now. I am not as good as a father should be. I felt that I don’t have enough time and money to spend with my children. I regretted every time I am not around them.
I have 3 children, two boys and a girl; Majed Tuah, Aniq Jebat and Intan Seri. They are my life, I die for them, and I would suffer for them if it comes to that. When Siti passed away, my mother in law did ask me to let her take care of my children, stayed with her in Johor; while I work in K,L., but of course I declined as softly as I could, so not to hurt her feeling. I was tempted though, I was not sure if I can give them what they deserved.
My late wife’s mother is a wonderful person. I could not ask a better person than her as my mom in law. She took after me and my children while Siti was bedridden, and a year after Siti passed. I cannot thank her enough. For her, I was one of her son. We were staying in Semenyih then, but I have to let her went back to ‘kampung’. She still has a mother and need to take care of her.
A year after that, in 2009, I moved back to Ampang, lived with my parents. I had no choice. I tried to open up my own business; I quit my job and tried my luck. Honestly speaking, if I was not a bankrupt, I think I could make it; I had ideas and a bit of capital, and that was the main problem, a bit only. My grey oyster mushroom is hot in the market. I sold about 30kg per day.
My plan was I don’t need anybody. All I need is my business, my children and my sanity. Each morning I would send Tuah and Aniq to school, while Intan (she’s three n half years old) and I went to my mushroom farm and do some plucking, clean and watered the entire barn. Went back home, cook lunch, if there is enough time, cut the mushroom, bagged it and went too picked up the boys. After lunch and zuhur send Tuah to his evening school, while Aniq, Intan and I will go and sell the mushrooms. In the evening, picked up Tuah again from school, cook dinner, tucked my children to sleep and I will do some accounting, tidy up the house and rest. The next day I will start all over again.
I should blame this on my business partner. His the one who persuaded me to ventured into the ‘mushrooms’ business, shared the capital he said, but it’s all me at the end. My original planned was to buy a school bus. Get myself a PSV and an E license. Fixed income, almost, a mini bus would do, carried 44 kids at RM40 per person per month.
All that was history; luckily I was called back to my old job three months after I quit. Working as a driver has no fixed time. My time was my boss’. It belongs to him. I don’t mind. The pay is good; hence my point of not spending much time with my children. I was and will always home late, and I have to most of the time work on weekends. My free time I spent with my children went wherever (usually the movies) and eat whatever. (And people wondered why I am still widowed)
When Arwah Siti was sicked, we have to use a lot of money. I am not blaming her; I will gladly do it again, even more so if time can turn back. We used a lot of money, I had help from friends and families even co-workers, but it was never enough. I had to sell my car, used to the max my credit cards, made personal loans, missed a lot of monthly payments, etc. Cancer treatment was expensive, and each month my late wife stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks.
In other words I have debts. Even now I am still paying for it. There is still a few back dated payments. I am struggling, but still Alhamdulillah, I managed. My children went to school with new uniforms every year. Still have new clothes for Raya, but I cannot give them the luxury they wanted. Would love to bring them for holidays but truthfully I cannot afford it.
I pitied my children, tried my best to give things they wanted, but I am a normal man, I could not afford luxuries. Hopefully it would change. Would love to meet a lady n I remarried, so my children have someone to call mother. Planning to do something drastic to overcome my debts and hope it will goes well. Still so many things to do before it become a reality…. Please pray for me and my children.
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