my big family

my big family
1 Family

Friday, April 5, 2013


            I had a fiancé. It was a different feeling especially when you introduced to your relatives or friends. “This is my fiancé.” Our lives had changed. No more sneaking around. Even If I wanted to accompany her to her ‘kampung’, my parents would allow me to do so. If there were any family gathering like a wedding reception, or a ‘doa selamat’ anywhere, I am allowed to bring her along.

            It is true what they said about being engaged, we were challenged and tested. As in my previous chapter, (if u all read it) we were working at the same office. She was the receptionist and I was an assistant account clerk.  Someone in the office, my own colleague had fall in love with my beloved fiancé.

            Can anybody imagine how it felt like? I was his friend. He knows that I was engaged to this lovely beautiful woman. Still he dared and tried to take her away from me under my nose. At first I thought he was only wanted to become good friends with her, I don’t mind if that was his only agenda. I trust my fiancé. She told me everything, even when he called her in the middle of the night.

At this point in time we always quarrel, even a tiniest mistake we always end up upsetting each other. I guessed I owed it to her for the lasting relationship. She tolerates my hot tempered behavior. I guess I owed to her for being a better man.

She went to Perth at the middle of ’98. She went and stayed with her uncle for two weeks. She told me that she wanted to take a long holiday before she became my wife, and when she was there I called her almost everyday.

When she came back she was better than before. Getting away from me was good for her. She knew that she made the right decision marrying me. I know you guys think that she already decided to marry me long time ago, but as the saying, ‘cold feet’ means, she need to get her priority straight. When she was away she too missed me a lot and she knew that she could not live without me, and neither could I.  I am not being modest, and not exaggerate, but this was the truth, a fact that all my friends and families can vouch me for it.

The challenge being engaged doesn’t stop on relationship with each other, but more than that. Until now I wasn’t sure how we put it through. Our wedding was not normal, and that my dearest readers are on the next chapter.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

I am profile number 1503. It says that haven't logged in my blog for a period of time. It computerized i know but it reminded me to post something.. anything... I have so many backdated stories that i would like to write it here, but it is also at the back of my head... wait guys, i will write again soon. After all "Our Stories" has yet a long way to go. Just that I am too busy now and writing need a mood to set in...

wait and patient in peace....

: done deal

Friday, March 9, 2012


     It's been a first quarter since 2012. My children are getting bigger. Tuah, my eldest is now in form 1 and now he is as almost as big as me. Aniq is in standard three while Intan who is heavier than her brother Aniq is in standard 1. All and all we are doing fine. I tried my best to gave them what their need, and sometime not need but just to satisfy their needs.

     Hi. My name is Hafiz and I am a single father. I have three kids and my parents is helping me raise them. End March I will be jobless. The road on 2012 will be hard. I foreseen it and I guess I have to drive through, or maybe make new path for me. It is scary, but that's what I will be doing.

     I was working with this Japanese company(present while typing this) for more than 10 years. I quit my job in 2008, a few months after my wife passed away. Seriously, my reason for quitting was not because I lost her. I quit for my children. After my wife passed away, my mother in law volunteered to care for my children until I can stand on my own two feet or I remarried. I guessed remarried was out of the question, so I tried to stood  and planned my path. I planned not to depended to others but myself. I thought I can survived on my own with my little children.

     I have saving that I thought enough to become a modern farmer. I did worked hard for it. I went for a paid course, learned about it, Google it, I even site visits to my friend's farm and  a few others. I know I can make it. So I quit, and started my own farm. I rent a factory and do it there. A grey oyster mushroom farm, in a small factory near my house in Semenyih.

     I had two partners who was willing(at first) to joined me on my adventure. Both of them worked, while I alone worked the farm. It was doing well at first. I sold a lot. I can get around RM30-RM100 a day. At the end of the day it was not enough. There was enough for me and my children, but was not enough to make the business going, so it's gone, regretfully so was the money. It was supposed to split into three but in the end it was all my savings.

     It was a lesson in life that i have to swallowed, how ever bitter it was, I held it in. Thus I was again accepted into my all company and again become the Managing Director's driver. I guess everything was planned for me by Him, the Al-mighty and I accepted it with open hands. All this happened in 2008. I guessed it was my personal black year.

      Zoomed 4 years and we are back in 2012. We can't predict the future. We can planned but what we plan does not mean it will happen exactly as planned. Good things never last. Not for me. Maybe I still have sins that I need to repent. I will lost my job. End of this month I will be jobless. I tried to find other works, but for a 39 years old man without any qualifications and trying to find a new job is actually hard. If you don't trust me, try it. Quit your job and go find a decent job. A decent job that pays you 3k per month.

    That's what I need. At least. The abrupt turned of my life made me realize that I cannot depends forever with a monthly salary. I need more time with my kids, and earn more money. I made up my mind and my new adventure will begin early next month, 1st April...and I hope I am not a fool....


Tuesday, January 31, 2012


yesterday was a memorable day,
no one will take that away,
a memory I cherish until He took my last breath away,
with the person who love me come what may,

tried my best to act cool,
tried my best not be a fool,
but my heart had it owns rule,
at dawn I prayed for her soul...

done deal

Monday, January 30, 2012

A birthday card

: while looking for my missing things, I found a birthday card, for my late wife from me  to her. dated 14th September 2005. As usual a poem i wrote titled "This Year" in the card and it said;

last but not least,
we agreed and we quarrelled,
last but not least,
we hugged an we cuddled,

last but not least,
we've been there and done that,
last but not least,
together we are great and that's that,

as long as you are around,
i will be sound,
as long as you are my wife,
i will strive,
as long as the list goes on,
the reasons will be our bond,

Happy birthday girl,
may your little wishes comes true,
may your big wishes will be true,
last but not least...
...........i love you...


p/s : we bought a big house!!!

done deal

Friday, January 27, 2012

Found - a higher note

        I felt like time moved very fast.Too fast. My youngest, Intan is now 7 years old. Year one in school. I tried to held my tears on her 1st day of school. I think I looked like a fag in front of others parents. They look very happy with their camera clicking and smiling ear to ear. This was my third experience, my third child, maybe the last one who will used my name at the end of her name. Unless if I remarried, and have children, though at this stage, now, as I am writing this, I am very doubtful of that will happen.

          I am 39 years old this year, and I noticed a few things that confirmed I am getting older. I am not sure about wiser, but so far I manage to made a few wise cracks. It's getting harder to read, the words look like it's out of focus, I can't lift heavy things and can't squat down for a long period of time. I know most of you who knows me will say that I was lacking on the exercise department, but doing my household chores and raising three children is exercise enough. 

        2012 marked the 4th year I am a single father. Truth to be told I am not tired of it. It scared me to think if I remarried and my children will have a step mother who will put Cinderella's or Snow White's step mother to shame. Alas I'm glad to say I found one. She was not what I expected but more. What I sincerely surprised was she fell in love with my late wife and always cried when I talked about her, and always asked for more stories.  She's the only one from my others previous girlfriends who wanted and insisted to come and visit Siti's grave. She also said she regretted not able to know her before she passed.

         When she met my children for the 1st time she was not awkward or even embarrassed. My children fancied her, especially Intan and Aniq. Tuah also confided his thoughts and feeling more to her than me. I did test her by bringing my children to a water park and bring her along. I left my children and her playing in the water while I sat and enjoyed my rest. From afar I could see them having fun in the sun like a family. Even though it was more like a big sister playing with her siblings.

          Every relationship have problems. I know that more than anyone else. I know that I am looking for trouble because of her age, but for me age is not a barrier, it should not matter, it should not be accountable. What matters is how we felt for each other, how we felt when being with each other, how we made each other and how we took care of each other. Still we are bound to what people think of us, what people talked about us at our backs. My families and friends will say she is too young. Her families and friends will say I am too old, a single father even, with three kids. Not a rich man, or a well position man, just a common. 

        I did told her this, but she don't care. She don't mind. she is willing. What can I say about that? I pitied her for fallen for me, but at the same time I am glad. Even though I know the road to happiness is going to be hard, still I should try. No harm done. Well, maybe our hearts will break into a million pieces, but at least we tried. I know there will be hardship from both sides and I know even families and closest of friends will talk us out of it, and discussed about us with length behind our back. Maybe even felt embarrassed just looking at us. 

        Let me answer your questions before you asked them; Is she too young? Yes. Is she matured enough? I think so(but then childish made her adorable) Can she took care of my children? No, but we, I and her, can. Can she take care of me tomorrow?, and won't she grew tired of me and left me for younger guys after we get married? I don't know, I cannot predict the future, can you?

       I think, the biggest, highest, deepest, longest hurdle that we have to go through are her parents and families. I know who I am. I know my status, and as a father I know how will her father thinks of me. I told her to wait for the right moment to tell her father and I guessed it will took another a year or two. I do want it to be over(marry her) and done with it(her father's conclusion) as soon as possible, just to know either will it be a happy ending or vice versa. But then again, I was lonely for 4 years, what does another 2 can do to harm me.

      I am off track. This was not what I wanted to write on my blog at the 1st place. Just a thought wanted to share, though with all the sadness in my life, I found a bit of happiness. I found, again I can fall in love again. I now have someone I shared everything in my mind without prejudice without any censorship. She knows almost everything about me, even my financial problems. When you found someone who don't care less what you make a month, keep her. She is to die for. 

hafiz's done deal 27012012

p/s no picture... hehehe...

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Today...4 years ago (17th January 2008)

while i recite the sya'adah,
the doctor put a hand on my shoulder,
told me she was gone forever,
he had to tell me three times before I considered,
i kissed her cheek, forehead and whisper in her ear,
I love you forever and ever.............................

early morning,
i gave her a kiss,
on her hand, forehead cheek and lips,
felt like the world is slowing down,
while i covered her head with her blanket,
a corner i found and  i cry.........

that morning,
i called everybody i knew,
i called everybody she knew,
i do what ever i could,
keep me busy to bring her home,
to do any muslim would do,
and do as properly as i should....

that morning,
my ear was ringing,
my hand was shaking,
my leg was wobbling,
my heart was pumping,
but my eyes has stopped crying....

that morning,
i told myself i have to be strong,
for my eldest tuah,
for my aniq,
and for my baby girl intan,
have to tell them it's going to be okay going to be fine....

that morning,
as i get down from the van,
saw tuah infront the door,
holding and kissing her mother's sandal,
looking at me with dread and crying,
at that moment i cried with my son.

that morning,
after she had her last bath,
aniq and intan holding each of my hand,
but they don't want to kiss her,
to them she will soon be awake,
she will soon be hugging them again....

that night and every night,
when everybody gone back,
after everybody sleep tight,
i was still wide awake,
every night praying that she is well,
every night praying that i will see her again...

i know He had planned for me,
i know He knew that i can take it well,
i do redha He took her away,
who ever said time will heal,
i know they are lying,
because it's been 4 years and i don't think it will......

done deal 17012011

Monday, January 16, 2012

Today...4 years ago (16th January 2008)

early of the night.
she told me she want to sleep beside.
while holding my hand tight,
though she can't sleep right,
sitting almost upright

middle of the night,
she complaint that she can't sleep,
her breath shallow and can't breath deep,
her stomach ache and had cold feet,
i want to bring her to hospital but she decline and said she was allright...

early morning,
she was still not sleeping,
and I have to stop pretending,
and force her do what i was offering,
and see her doctor now and not wait till the morning...

middle morning,
I left her,
in the hospital with the nurses and her doctor,
went to work as usual,
after she was sedated,
after she told me to leave her and let her sleep...

early afternoon,
I received a call,
from a nurse in the hospital,
asking me to come immediately,
'cause the doctor want to see me,
as soon i am able...

middle afternoon,
the doctor told me the truth,
hugging me while he did,
told me the dreaded news,
asking me to tell others,
there's no more hope and bring her home...

in the late afternoon,
i sat holding her cold hand,
while an oxygen mask on her face,
we whispered our love for each other,
she whispered her requests,
she said her good byes...

early evening,
i went home,
living her with her mother,
hoping to see her tomorrow,
hoping to bring her back,
hoping she could say her good byes to her 3 children...

late evening,
i sleep with my youngest on my arm, 
with my 2nd son on the other,
a call came in and it was my mother,
told me to come because it is time,
i rushed to her as fast as i dare to drive....

early morning next day,
sat by her bedside,
looking at her with water in my eyes,
with an ache in my heart,
her eyes was close,
her heartbeat was slow...

the same early morning,
i whispered to her ear,
and i said to her,
in the name of Allah as your husband,
i forgave you for whatever you said and did,
go in peace to your Maker....

while i recite the sya'adah,
the doctor put a hand on my shoulder,
told me she was gone forever,
he had to tell me three times before I considered,
i kissed her cheek, forehead and whisper in her ear,
I love you forever and ever.............................

done deal 16012012

Monday, December 12, 2011

Still Standing Tall

      It has been almost 5 years I haven't been able to throw away a single things that belong to her, and every time I thought I have a courage to do so I chickened out. My heart started pumping faster, my eyes begin to water, even my hands started to shiver. So I stop and packed her things back in a box and reminded my self that i will do it later. Yes I did give away a few things, clothes, tudungs, accessories, but I still keep things that I felt close to, things that I loved to see her wearing it. Even her undies I havent had the heart to throw it away. My jewel, Intan even asked me to keep a few  things (not the undies mind you) that she found pretty so she could wear it when she is bigger and older. 

    I know it sounded pathetic, even cruel for me to still keep hanging on to this stuff, and I know she will not come back to wear all of her belongings and  I also know that if I ever marry again my future wife will not want to have my late wife's stuff. 

     This end of 2011, I decided to rent out my beloved house, since I need the money, (my children is getting bigger but my salary getting lesser) but the problem is that the house is still full with furnitures,  clothes and all the small and tiny stuff of a house. I guess it is time for the children and I to let go the stuffs which we felt a lot of memories disturb feeling. (kenangan mengusik jiwa) 

     We literary dive into our stuff that may be possibly be a lot of rubbish for some but  precious to us. There was a lot! At the end things that we decided to keep, a little of it we felt unneeded. Overall things still piling up, we had to move it before end of this month, before the new tenants come in, and the stuff most importantly we don't  know where to put it.  

     What am I to do? My parents house, though big had no more space to spare. A few of the furniture I think I can squeeze it in, but most of it I have to throw it away. I guess if I do find someone who sacrifice herself to be with me and my children for the rest of my life what left of it, I have no choice but buy new. Hope she can share the cost.(ha-ha)

      Still the same problem occurred, I still have that beat of my heart, that water in my eyes, the shake of my hands to either throw or keep my late beloved wife's stuffs. Standing tall I have to do it, I want to do it, I need to do it on my own. I really hope I could throw or give away most of it but keep at least a box of her precious memories... or two...maybe three. Standing tall my a**!

hafiz's 121211

Friday, September 23, 2011

The Plan - Chapter 13

We have been together for almost 5 years, and we know that someday we will get married but somehow it was not in our agenda at that point of time. I was also afraid to tell my parents. I came from a big family. I have 2 older sisters, 3 older brothers and a younger sister. I am the 6th child from seven siblings.

            One of my biggest problem was my two elder brothers were still not yet married.  One of them didn’t have any girlfriend even. In our culture a younger sibling marrying another before they do, was like stepping a rocky stone, but luckily my parents was not that orthodox. Still, to utter the words to them was scary. So I keep my mouth shut and waited for them until that one fine day.

            It was one of the weekend on august 1997, I was at the time was at home. I knew her parents were at Siti’s, so I didn’t have any plan with her, I knew she want to spend her time with her family, so I stayed home. When I received the call, she came straight to the point and asked me to come to her house. Her father wants to have a word with me. I asked why, and all she answered was “just come.” I can hear the trembled in her voice, I am not sure either the tremble was due to excitement or she was scared.

            In half an hour I was on my bike and on the way to her house, they were patiently waiting for me at the dining table. I said my greetings and shake hands (hand kissed and all), her father asked me to sit down. My Siti sat beside me and smile. The first question from her father made me sat straight. “Do you love my daughter, Hafiz?”

            “Yes, Pakcik, I do.” said I.

            “Do you Along (a name she called her 1st born), love Hafiz?” he asked again.

            “Yes, Abah, I love him so much.” Her answer made me proud and I squeezed her delicate hand.

            “What is your future plan, Hafiz? You had been dating Along for almost ten years now, when do you plan to tie the knot. Both of you are old enough and I love you like a son, so I do want you to be my son in law.” His face was so serious. Siti’s mother was sitting beside her husband and keeps nodding her head.

            I considered my answer and said; “I do want to marry her, Pakcik, Makcik, but my two brothers are still not yet married. I have to wait for them.”

            “When?” he asked.

            “I am not sure…” it was the best answer I could gave at that time, and it was the wrong answer.

            “A few days ago a group came to my house and asked about Along. They were asking for her hand. Pakcik told them that my daughter had someone else in mind, and she also was going to be engage soon. I don’t like to lie, Hafiz, so I really like you to come with your family and make it happen, as soon as possible. I am not asking you to marry Along in this near future. Just an engagement, so other people would not come and try to take her away from you.” Her father explained.

            I was lost for words, at the same time excited because I have her parents blessing. I didn’t know how to answer. It was not a request. It was a choice. Either I come and sent my family to ask for her hand, or I lost her to someone else, and that was not an option I want to consider.

            While I again squeezing my lover’s hand to gain strength, I answered, “Okay, pakcik. I will tell my parents and will try to persuade them.”

            We started to discuss the date and time for my family and I could come. It was set on school holidays, November 9th. We then discussed the appropriate things like the gifts, what to bring, what to do and what cannot, so on and so forth.

            The trip back home was a blur. I didn’t notice that I reached home when I did. In my mind I was trying to find the rights words and phrase to ask my parents my plan to step over my brother’s. It was almost dark when I reached home, so, I took a bath and prayed. After isyak, as usual, my parents was sitting and was watching the tube at the living room. I sat down and joined them.

            My heart was pounding heart. It was so hard that I felt like my heart was beside my ear drums, but a man got to do what a man got to do. “Ayah, N’cek (we called my mother N’cek, it is a culture from my father's side), I have something important to tell you.” I blurted out.

            At that time I was alone with my parents in the house, we always do. My eldest sister, Yus was still at Bristol UK. She followed her husband Abang E who is working with Proton. My second sister Munirah is in Segamat with her family, teaching secondary school, my brother Yasir staying in Kelana Jaya also with his family, my other brother Mazhar was at that time still working, my brother Safwat was staying and still studying in Serdang and last but not least my younger sister was still studying and stayed at UITM Shah Alam.

            My parents watched me and waited. I felt that a drop of sweat streamed down my face. There was no backing out now; “I want to get engage with Siti on 9th November at her parents place in Johore.” It was a straight to the point no question ask statement. I could felt that my face was white. Suddenly it was quiet. Even the television was not making sound. All my hearing senses was concentrating and waiting for my father’s answer. be continued...