I felt like time moved very fast.Too fast. My youngest, Intan is now 7 years old. Year one in school. I tried to held my tears on her 1st day of school. I think I looked like a fag in front of others parents. They look very happy with their camera clicking and smiling ear to ear. This was my third experience, my third child, maybe the last one who will used my name at the end of her name. Unless if I remarried, and have children, though at this stage, now, as I am writing this, I am very doubtful of that will happen.
I am 39 years old this year, and I noticed a few things that confirmed I am getting older. I am not sure about wiser, but so far I manage to made a few wise cracks. It's getting harder to read, the words look like it's out of focus, I can't lift heavy things and can't squat down for a long period of time. I know most of you who knows me will say that I was lacking on the exercise department, but doing my household chores and raising three children is exercise enough.
2012 marked the 4th year I am a single father. Truth to be told I am not tired of it. It scared me to think if I remarried and my children will have a step mother who will put Cinderella's or Snow White's step mother to shame. Alas I'm glad to say I found one. She was not what I expected but more. What I sincerely surprised was she fell in love with my late wife and always cried when I talked about her, and always asked for more stories. She's the only one from my others previous girlfriends who wanted and insisted to come and visit Siti's grave. She also said she regretted not able to know her before she passed.
When she met my children for the 1st time she was not awkward or even embarrassed. My children fancied her, especially Intan and Aniq. Tuah also confided his thoughts and feeling more to her than me. I did test her by bringing my children to a water park and bring her along. I left my children and her playing in the water while I sat and enjoyed my rest. From afar I could see them having fun in the sun like a family. Even though it was more like a big sister playing with her siblings.
Every relationship have problems. I know that more than anyone else. I know that I am looking for trouble because of her age, but for me age is not a barrier, it should not matter, it should not be accountable. What matters is how we felt for each other, how we felt when being with each other, how we made each other and how we took care of each other. Still we are bound to what people think of us, what people talked about us at our backs. My families and friends will say she is too young. Her families and friends will say I am too old, a single father even, with three kids. Not a rich man, or a well position man, just a common.
I did told her this, but she don't care. She don't mind. she is willing. What can I say about that? I pitied her for fallen for me, but at the same time I am glad. Even though I know the road to happiness is going to be hard, still I should try. No harm done. Well, maybe our hearts will break into a million pieces, but at least we tried. I know there will be hardship from both sides and I know even families and closest of friends will talk us out of it, and discussed about us with length behind our back. Maybe even felt embarrassed just looking at us.
Let me answer your questions before you asked them; Is she too young? Yes. Is she matured enough? I think so(but then childish made her adorable) Can she took care of my children? No, but we, I and her, can. Can she take care of me tomorrow?, and won't she grew tired of me and left me for younger guys after we get married? I don't know, I cannot predict the future, can you?
I think, the biggest, highest, deepest, longest hurdle that we have to go through are her parents and families. I know who I am. I know my status, and as a father I know how will her father thinks of me. I told her to wait for the right moment to tell her father and I guessed it will took another a year or two. I do want it to be over(marry her) and done with it(her father's conclusion) as soon as possible, just to know either will it be a happy ending or vice versa. But then again, I was lonely for 4 years, what does another 2 can do to harm me.
I am off track. This was not what I wanted to write on my blog at the 1st place. Just a thought wanted to share, though with all the sadness in my life, I found a bit of happiness. I found, again I can fall in love again. I now have someone I shared everything in my mind without prejudice without any censorship. She knows almost everything about me, even my financial problems. When you found someone who don't care less what you make a month, keep her. She is to die for.
hafiz's done deal 27012012
p/s no picture... hehehe...
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