Our Story : Chapter 5 : The 1st Date

The 1st Date

            I still remember the first day we met like it was yesterday. It was on Sunday. It was on 7^th July 1991. It was a start of a beautiful relationship. I didn't know it yet then but she knew. She had a power to see beyond. Like she can feel it, and know it to be true.

            It happened at the national Library at Jalan Raja Laut. I was with the 'Teenage Theatre Club National Library', under the tutor of the late Sudiro Sukiman. Her friend, Liza brought her to the club; it was love at first sight when she saw me. I don't know what she saw in me, I'm too short for her, and she is very tall. I stand right under her nose. She didn’t mind. She had a strange taste for men. Her favorite artist was Black from Wings. I on the other hand, didn’t felt a thing towards her.

            She tried desperately to make me like her. I remembered one time she came to me and start a child's game, whom ever blinked first, he or she loose. I ask her once,(a few years later) why she started that game, she told me that she just wanted to look into my eyes... I should stared back. I missed those beautiful eyes.

            She invited me to her birthday party at Taman Tasik Titiwangsa, organized by her for herself. All her friends came, all the theatre club members went, but I didn't. She asked me why? I told her I don't feel like it. She just said that it was okay and she didn't mind.  I found out years later that she organized that party because of me. She wanted to go out with me but too shy to ask. She was very disappointed.  I didn't give her any gift. I didn't say sorry even. She cried that day, went back with tears in her eyes. Mak asked her why, and she told her that the most important person didn’t show up. I am so cruel…

           

            As years went by, we finished school. The theatre club was closed; National Library was going too moved to Jalan Tun Razak. We went on our separate ways. She can't forget about me, so she called. Often. Only short conversation, saying hi, how are you. To her it was precious. Just hearing my voice made her happy. She missed me and that is why she called. I thought she was a nuisance. I talked longer with my best friend, Amran and his ugly. 

           

             Almost every day she called and this time she asked me out. I was not sure what to say, so I said yes. The date was on Saturday, she waited for two hours, in front of the Mall. I didn't come. She was not upset. She was also not angry. She was not surprised.

            She tried so many times, I can't remember how many time I stood her up. My excused always the same, either I forgot about the date or I came late and she wasn't there, so I went home. I lied. I didn't once go. I was bad. All the time she was not upset, angry or surprised. She was very happy I even spoke to her. 

            We talked longer every time she called, and sometime I called her. I was doing my STPM at Seri Ampang (name of a school), it was my first year there and I have plenty of extra time for her. Slowly and gradually I began to like her. I made her confessed with much persuasion and wit, and she confessed with much giggled and shy, that she had a big crushed on me. Then, I knew that she had been trying to get my attention from the day we met.

            At last I gave in. After I saw that she would never give up on me. She set the date for the umpteenth times. The date was at the Mall, front entrance, beside a big replica of sea-turtle. It was on Saturday 12pm, 7th July, visit Malaysia year, 1991. Somehow or rather I was scared. I'm beginning to realize that I was also fallen for her. I was afraid she would take revenge. I thought that she would stood me up. I came an hour late.

            She was there. A summer dress, flat shoes, hair tied in a pony tail, no makeup -and when she saw me she grin and blushed. She told me that she thought that I would stood her up again, she didn't expected me to come. We shake hands and we went for lunch. She paid. I don't have any money. I'm still studying; she was working at Yaohan (a shopping mall).

            I could see that she was nervous, but she was not expecting anything from me. We talked, we walked and we talked some more. Time really fly, we noticed that it’s getting dark. I walked her home, and this time it's my turn to confess. She was exited, she was glad and she was happy. I liked to see her that way because she glowed.

   After that we went back to our own home. It didn't stop there. I reached home and I called her and we talked until 3am. We talked about everything, from school to work, what we like and don't like. She was afraid that I'm just toying with her feeling and requested me to bring her a rose every time we see each other. We promised to make the second date on Sunday. That was the next day after the first date.

Arwah Siti and I : 1991@ Yaohan the Mall

...to be continued 

Our Story : Chapter 4 : Growing up in KL

Growing up in KL

While Endang (pronounce as ‘and-dung’) stayed with the family, a friend of Siti’s father  fell for her. Not long after a few courting and flirting, they were married. Hassan (Endang’s husband) is also a policeman, he stayed only a few floors up from Siti. 

In 1988, Azli was born. Her mother was hoping that with the newborn, will tie her father to his senses. It did work, only for a few years; abah always came back and stayed home, but when Azli was big enough to walk, his back on his usual bended self. Siti, who is 15 years old at that time, has a big responsibility. She was a mother at young age, taking care of her two siblings. Wait! It was not two, but three siblings. A few months after Azli was born, they took and adopted a child and named her, Siti Hazana. We always assumed that Azli and Nona was twin.

Nona stayed with the family only a short while. When Nona was a few months old she was taken ‘almost’ by force away. Abah‘s aunt want to take care of her and asked him to let her have Nona for herself.  The whole family cried, including Siti. Until now  she loved Nona like her own sister that she never had. I forgot Abah's aunt real name, but we called her, ‘Nenek (grandma) Rock’. She also played a big role in Siti’s life.

In 1989, Endang was pregnant with her 1^st child. She was at that time still an immigrant. Still hasn’t had a ‘red colored identification’. It was hard for her to go to any hospitals or clinics, furthermore her husband always not around. He was always gambling. So, at the time she wants to gave birth, she was alone. She called Siti’s mother to her aid, and her mother called Siti.

Andre Kawarman was born. Mrs. Tugarah delivered Endang’s baby in her bedroom. Siti helps by delivering lots of warm water. She called her father, Hassan, (Endang’s husband )and the ambulance. Like the movies, the cavalry came late. After the baby delivered the ambulance arrived and rushed the mother and the baby to the hospital. It was an experience that Siti will never forget.

Siti went to Sekolah Menengah Puteri Titiwangsa. Her house was at Jalan Ipoh. If any of you go through Jalan Tun Razak and use the flyover bridge of Jalan Ipoh, you can still see the police quarters by the side of the road. It is still standing. It got 4 blocks and 5 floors each, no lift. She was in ‘B’ block, third floor, house number 5. I clearly remembered it because I spent a lot of time there in years to come.

She had lots of friends, and they stayed friends with her until her dying days. Everybody keep in touch even after we were married. One of her 'best friend forever' lives in block ‘A’. Liza stayed nearby and went to the same school, most of the time they were together. Their family knew each other and also was closed.

When she was 15, (I remembered this because she always told me) she was canned by abah, but she told me it was her fault. She skipped school and went ‘roller skating’ with friends. This was a way siti rebelled against being given so much responsible at a very young age. In a way, she want to tell her family that she deserved to be a teenager like her other friends. (I always hug her when she told me this, until now I wonder why this story hurt her so much)

A year later, an incident happened. Liza was in a very big trouble. Siti, as her best friend came to the rescue. Suffice to say, that incident was suppose to be a secret, and I gave my oath not to tell a soul. I just want everybody to know that Siti would give her foot and limbs to help other who she loved.

She was a ‘kampung’ (village) girl. She moved to a big city, but didn’t had any culture shock. A lot of  thing happened that should made her derailed, but she was one of the lucky one. She knows what good and bad for herself. A little bit of trouble here and there, but none so severe that lead her into trouble. Even though her family was not an example of a happy family, but she and her brothers were loved by both of the parents. Her big family, visited from time to time by her uncles, aunties and even cousins made them as happy as a normal family ever was.

            She took her SPM on 1990, with the help of her best friend Radhi who confessed that he had a crash on her. Surprisingly her result was good. She wanted to continue her study in business. Her parent doesn't allow it, the reason; they don't have enough money to go around. While waiting for her result she was working, and abah didn't leave any money to feed his family, and they depended on her income. Abah always changes his car in spite of this.

            About the boy who had fall in love with her (Radhi), she rejected him; as gentle as possible because she already fell in love with me. She lost in touch with him after school, but after 7 years into our marriage she got his contact number and tries to call. It seems that he is still in love with her and was afraid to see her. Radhi married and he doesn't want her wife to get upset. (???Stupid man???)

Allahyarhamah Siti Azura & Allahyarham Azli

... to be continued

Night

Night,
I am suppose to sleep tight,
but I can't,
will i be awake until the morning light?

Night,
people fight,
with their will and might,
but I fly a kite?

Night,
KL is full of light,
It does shine bright,
but I am not right?

Night,
slumber should take plight,
alas it is not at sight,
Maybe because we are apart?

Night,
Did anybody lied?
time will heal hurt inside?
So why mine never subside?

Night,
As should be at night,
to wish a 'good night',
...but no one beside...?

hafiz's
09022010
107AM

Our story : Chapter 3 : Her Big Family

Her Big Family

            To know Siti, you have to know her roots. She was always proud with her big family. We Malays (or us if you are a Malay also) we love our family, as distant and as however the relationship of the family ties were. Uncles, aunties, cousins, 2^nd cousins, nieces and nephews, we recognize each other. We visit and revisit each other. We laugh and cry together as one big family. Siti had been blessed with a very big family.

Even though her father was an only child, but Mr. Johar‘s (after this will be refer as ‘abah’. He is anyway, by law (not by choice) my father…) father had three other wives. Each wife had sons and daughters that even Siti unable to count. Everywhere we go in Johor, we always met someone who is her uncle, aunties, cousins, and so on so forth. Magically she knew what to call them, either ‘wak’ (a man or woman who is older than the father), ‘cek’, (a man or woman who is younger than the father) or just ‘abang’(big brother) and kakak  (big  sister). I, on the either hand was confused, dumfounded whenever I saw any of her family (at first, now without her I’m worst!) . She told me just called them ‘abang’, and they will correct you if you are wrong, so to me, they are all ‘abang’ and ‘kakak’. 

Mrs. Tugarah (after this will be referring as ‘Mak’) has a lot of siblings, with only one mother and one father. Mak have four brothers and five sisters. If I’m not mistaken, my mother in law is the 4^th from ten siblings. So, you can imagine how many her cousins were. I can’t remember all their names but a few stuck and also closed to me, even now.

I introduced to you her family because in the coming stories of her, these people will make their appearance. More than once. Almost all the family knew her. That make it easier for me, when any of them asked me who am I? I just told them, “I’m Siti’s husband”, and they accepted me in their foil. Almost everyone came to her funeral, but not all, of course. We lived in Semenyih. Siti’s family lived at all over Johore. Her parents and grandparents lived at Kampung Seri Belahan Tampok, Rengit. The nearest big town is Batu Pahat, and it is eighty kilometers away.

She loved her family, and they loved her. She always bring cheers and happiness to wherever and whatever the time and place was. When they knew that she had cancer, everyone was supporting and behind her, in spirit most of them.

Siti's Family with Hassan's family

... to be continued

The Unknown

I'm thirty seven,
still no cash 2 burn,
wonder why it happened,
I was hit by 'money is not a problem'...

I have 2 sons and a daughter,
last time they had a mother,
now i am going to raise  teenagers,
I was hit by 'it is great to be a single father'...

I have so much plan,
and so much 2 gain,
then comes the rain,
I was hit by "let there be rain"...

tried 2 find a new wife,
just to be with the rest of my life,
not easy when 3 kids in a car i drive,
I was hit by "Not all wants an instant family life"

so back 2 square one,
I gave my trust to the One,
I don't mind at the end I'll be a lonely one,
I was hit by " I am the lonely one"..

I am not afraid of the unknown,
can feel it in my bone,
before the dawn,
 I will be again n again hit by the unknown........

hafiz's 23100010 0.51am

Our Story : Chapter 2 : Her Beginning Years

Her Beginning Years

            Siti Azura was born on Friday morning to at first a loving family. At that time her father was in a jungle somewhere in Pahang. As a police officer, his responsible was to the country. The communists still at large. This was on 14th September 1973. She was born at a general hospital Batu Pahat, Johor.

            She was raised as normal as possible, under the strict eyes of her mother. With a strong hand she was a pure heart at the beginning. I'm not sure what happened then. I didn’t ask anybody about her. This is only base on what she told me along the years we were together.    

            She told me that her mother was so strict that when she wants anything she just has to restrain. Even at one time she fell from a bicycle and was bleeding and hurt, her mother would hit her and yelled at her because she was not careful enough.

           It becomes worst when her brother was born. Azlan was born in 1977. Her brother was her mother's pearl. He was the apple of her mother's eye. He was much pampered. Everything that Azlan want she will gave, for Siti, the answers always no. What ever fights when they were kids, her mother always side with the son, not that Mrs. Tugarah didn't love her, is just that she didn't pay enough attention to her.

            Enters Endang, an Indonesian lady that stayed with the family. Siti’s mother took her in and treat her like a sister. Endang was the one who always there for Siti. When her mother was mad and angry, Endang was the one who she confides. When Azlan and she had a fight, Endang will be the one who took her side. She played an important role on Siti’s growing up and behavior.  

            She never had any grudge, to her brother or her mother. She loved both the way it should. They were very happy when disaster strikes. Her father slowly become obsesses with other things than his family and work. At that time there were staying in Kuala Lumpur. Her father was stationed at Brickfields; they sold their house in Batu Pahat and moved as a family to a police beret at Sentul. She was 13.

For reason unknown her father become wild. He gamble, drink, a womanizer and always not home. She told me that sometime she and her mother would go to a 'dangdut' bar to search for Mr. Johar. Her life was juggled between taking care of her youngest brother, Azli at that time still a baby, housework and school work. On top of that her parents always argue with each other. She didn't go crazy. She had her feet to the ground.

...to be continued

3 Little People In My Bed...

3 little people on my bed.
sleeping like peas in a pod pad,
I wonder what dreams they having in their head,
probably painting the city red,

3 little people on on my bed,
one so chubby hate to be called fat,
2nd is as thin as a piece of bread,
last but not least as sweet as a girl can ever get,

3 little people on my bed,
I'll love them until I'm dead,
the sparkle in their eyes I hope will never fade,
and that's where my happiness laid,

3 little people on my bed,
never again like to see them sad,
let there be laughter in our tiny shed,
having them on my bed is the one thing i will never regret,

3 little people on my bed,
as precious to me as a rare jade,
I'll promise to let them sleep on my bed,
because for eternity I always be your loving dad....

done deal 14092010

Our Story: Chapter 1

I would like to write a story. It's about me and my dear late wife. I loved her so much it hurt me to the bone of my soul. She gone too early, yet it was written somewhere in the universe that she will go before me, her parents even. Somehow I accepted it as it was Allah's will. Only He knows everything. 

               She left without saying goodbye to her two sons and a daughter. I regret that I haven't been at her bedside while she was awake. I regret not to kiss her lots before she was buried.

            This story evolves around her. Her hardships, her hard will, her pure heart that touched everybody's. She can be categorized as "been there, done that" type of lady.  You can say this is her official biography, Siti Azura binti Md Johar Tuhid by me, her husband who missed her in every single breath I took.

Prologue

            Missing her is an understatement. I was a wrecked when she passed. Nobody knew, because I kept a smiling face, joking and clowning around. It is all a charade around friends and family, especially Tuah (pronounce as two-uh), Aniq (pronounce as un-nick) and Intan (pronounce as in-tun), our three lovely and beautiful children. I have to show them that everything is going to be fine, we will be great and we will survive. I promised them that we will be okay.

At night I cry myself to sleep. Though I let her go, I forgave her and ‘redha’ her passing, but I was still devastated. I wept because I missed her and wonder if she ever forgave me for the things that i did wrong to her. Future seems bleak without her love, and my children will never be able to have and feel her motherly love anymore. There were so many unanswered questions. I was scared.

            Siti was a perfect wife (for me) and a loving mother. We have our ups and downs, we had our quarrel once or twice but we love each other more today than yesterday. She was always smiling (she even smile on her deathbed) always laughing in front of others though she was in pain, she still smiled. Every time family and friends ask how is she, she always say that she is well, though she knew that she will joined others before her. 

            She passed away  on 17^th January 2007, at 3am, and left Muhammad Majed Tuah; 8years old, Muhammad Aniq Jebat, 5, and Intan Seri Diyana, 2 years old. She was 34. May Allah rest her soul and placed her with soleh and solehah people. 

            So, read on, friends. Please don’t be judgmental. All this had passed, it is done. Take it as a past time reading material, even as an ikhtibar. Please forgive me if it touched your heart, or hurt your feeling. It was not my intention. I posted it because I want everybody to know her, to love her as many others did. If it does hurt your feeling please tell me why, and I will do the appropriate adjustment. If any of you who knew Siti, feel free to add here and there. All that I written here is the truth (maybe a few snips here and there to protect confidentiality). No holds barred. Uncut. On with the story of her life! Or is it already begun?

... to be continued

Morning Surprise

     Today at 10am I received a call. It's from the school. My first reaction was to see Takeuchi-san and take the whole day leave. First thing that comes in my mind, something happened to my eldest son; Tuah. He has asthma and been having a light attack in the past week. But, my panic become anger when it was his English teacher who had call. Jeng..jeng..jeng.. ( for a better effect )

    Before hand, I would like to say that I am proud of my 1st born. His been in an emotional turmoil since the past 3 years. If any of you don't believe me, try saying something bad about her late mother, either u received a yell, or a punch or at least a silent cry. Never ever do that to my son. This is a warning from a loving father. Though without a mother he grows, stubborn as he is, he listened to me, and always say " I love you, big abah." 

   Early this year, he did a test at school and he was up grade to a better class. From Musytari to Bumi. From a 'C' class to a 'B' class. He will undergo UPSR this year. ( feels old when your children grow so fast ) So this class really ( today I knew ) observant, hence the call this morning.
   It was a call from his English teacher. She told me that Tuah didn't do his homework. He was given the work before Chinese New Year started. Till now there was no sign of it. Of course, I was shocked. Why? Because his been doing his homework after coming back from tuition at 10pm. He did his homework under my supervision until finished. Math, BM, Science and even Arabic, but no English. After the call this morning I just noticed it. The teacher told me, he didn't even bring his English book. His excuse was he forgot to bring the book. (that was my excuse when i was in school..hehehe..)
   I promise the good teacher that I will make sure that he'll done his homework by Monday. Tonight even. Before the weekend starts. I appreciate her call, say thanks, hope that she will call again and press the red end button on my phone. I couldn't help myself but smile. How many teacher do you know will do that to your children? Beginning to like this school more and more. A panic, turns to anger, then to an appreciation to Tuah's English teacher. Should ask her name just now. (will ask Tuah tonight)
   Tuah is a good boy. Love him so much. Lately I talk to him like an adult. No more yelling and threaten him with the 'rotan'. So, tonight I will do the same. A 'slow talk'. One on one. I know why he didn't do his work. He felt that his English is good enough, and there's no need to do the extra work. Tonight hopefully he will do his work accordingly. I can't blame him. This year, his schedule is so demanding. Morning 7.20am - 1.20pm, SRK, evening SRA 2.30pm - 5.30pm and at night, extra class 8.00pm - 10.00pm. Pity him, but that what it takes to be a better person. He went through all this with lots of nonstop talking and lots of nonstop smile.
   There's a lot more about Tuah that I didn't write in here, cause there's a lot. I hope he can withstand what his going through. For a 12 years old his been through a lot. If you ever see him, if he did a or some mistake, give him a bit of slack. He deserved it...

My Beloved Jewel ( Intan )

Today I came back at eight,
Tired of doing nothing early dawn till late,
Saw my jewel sat and bobbing her head,
I knew she's been crying because her cheeks are wet,

"What's wrong my precious," I said,
"what can your daddy do for you?"
I lift her up and carried her to bed,
I whispered,"I know, dear, I missed her too,"

The jewel of my heart,
lay peacefully asleep,
For her life is hard,
and for her I wept,

As strong as a little can be,
I hope you will be her copy,
Though your time with her last only a breeze,
She loved you as a mother should be,

I am not a mother,
Your need to me is a mystery,
Still I am your father,
Your need is my reason to live,

Without you I'm nobody,
Just another guy in a lost page of history,
Trying my best to raise all three,
But you are the one whose teaching me,

Don't cry my jewel don't cry,
I'll be with you till the day I die,
When that sad day come by,
Be strong and do say good bye....

This feeling of mine

a strong feeling cannot be deny,
it comes and go even though we try,
a feeling as such that made me cry,
and sometime memories doesn't make it subside,

though i pray and pray my might,
the feeling made my heart tight,
she was not in my sight,
imagining was no more as bright,

she came she went,
my heart now dent,
it gone in the moment,
a love now in heaven will remade,

how long will it be?
the wound in the heart to heal?
forever seems a long way to foresee,
is there anyway the wound will seal,

looking but not searching,
a lonely heart seems to go unseen,
choices that we are making,
it ever was and it ever has been,

life still goes on,
a life that is only on loan,
i slept and walked alone,
maybe until i will be reborn,

my children will certainly grow,
and from the nest they will go,
i will be alone so ever more,
still loving Him as same as before....
hopefully so much more....
InsyaAllah....

I'm in the Blog!!

Well, folks! I have a blog. A blog. Under my name. How's cool is that? I am 38 this year, and I feel like a kid in a candy store, but don't know a single thing about making a candy, and I don't even like candy. Someone suggest me to create this blog. I don't want  to name name's, but Kakak, ( Yusriah ) this is your fault.

   There's too many things to do and so little time. What can  I possibly contribute in my own blogspot? I am a single father with three beautiful kids. I am a driver, and I have a second job, at night  as a car accident insurance counselor. So, when can I spruce up my own blog?

  I will try my best. To update and to fill it up. Wait. Do you suppose I should see and visit other bloggers? I should do that... See u guys soon!