Just Wanted To Share

We lived in a beautiful country. We lived in a country that is in peace. As far as I know we have our freedom of speech, but to an extend where we don't make a statement about racism and religion that may provoke a chaos and a riot among all the races that so far living happily in one Malaysia.

          I have to be careful what I am about to say about myself, but this is not in any way provoking and poking about socialism and religion. It is about economical. It is also not about political but it is just me and my own financial sorry state.

          I am a bankrupt. And it is not my fault. I was helping a friend. I still remembered the very words he said to me when he asked me to help him; "Seven years is not long. Before you know it, it is done." He even came to my workplace with a bank officer to sign the agreement, so, from my better judgment, I signed. I had become a guarantor for a friend’s car, a Proton Satria. (this happened 8 years ago)

          To cut it short, I am a bankrupt because of this. I paid my own debts, without fail, but ironically, because of someone else mistake, I am one of the many. The car is gone don’t know where, and the people who is responsible was silent.

          What I have now is regrets. If only I said “no” to him. I am most positively still being able to make loans and what not. Now, I’m still paying for my house, my car which is not under my name, my personal loans, and my credit cards, all in due time, and all up to date.

          I think I’m nagging again, because this is not what I want to share about. As far as I know, I owed (or rather ‘he’ owed) around 50k. I have a solution to settle these debts and cleared my name. For the past weeks I thought about it a lot. I want to be able to travel again. I want to go and perform my hajj. With a bankruptcy title I cannot do this.  I am 38 years old. I will die sooner or later, and I want to clear my debts even though it’s not my own.

          It is a drastic planned. I may sell my house. With that money I can pay and clear my name (and his… (How life is not fair for you?))……………………………….

done deal 050511

Drive

I want to drive,
to no where,
with a fuel without refeuling,
with the tires without bursting,

I want to drive,
to where ever,
without me being sleepy,
without me being hungry,

I want to drive,
to what ever place,
without me being angry,
without me being what I am now,


I am tired...............
so tired..................
of.................being me.......


done deal 03042011

Her Family and I : Chapter 10

A few months later, after much persuasion she let me come up to her house and met her parents. I was a bit scared, but Siti’s parents actually are cool. The minute I walked in, they treated me as they known me for years. (Except questions about me personally) To tell you the truth, I expected scorned faces and demanded question, but it didn’t happen. Her father even offered me a cigarette.

            Actually, my father in law, don’t like me much at the beginning. He was just being polite. Mak in the other hand already likde me. After all she knew about me the last time and she knew that Siti is still deeply in love with me. Abah felt that I am too short, he preferred Azlan who was better looking than me, and have a steady job. Even Siti’s brother Azlan wasn’t that approval. He was very protective of his sister, and was afraid that I will let her down again, and once more, her sister will get hurt again.

            They were more concern when Siti quit after going out with me for 6 months. She quit because she was not satisfied with her job, and also Azlan, her ex-fiancé is still monitoring her schedule.  She felt that stewardess was not her calling anymore. She complained to me every time we went out on a date. So I suggested she quit. She also wanted to spend more time with me. She accepted a job nearby her house, a walking distance, as a receptionist. The salary was not as much as her previous job, but she was happy because she could see me everyday.

            I was working at Ampang Park, (I quit college same time she quit her job) as a display artist in Hankyu Jaya. It was near by her work place. I think this was the sweetest memory that we had when we were together before we got engaged. Every day at lunch time, I came and pick her up, and we went lunch together. We usually went to Titiwangsa Lake Garden, bought a ‘nasi bungkus’ then sat at a nearby bench and had our lunch, while talking. We always had something to tell and said to each other, even the tinniest and smallest issues. It was a memory that I will cherish forever. She don’t need much, she doesn’t mind who I was, what I work and what my transportation was. She was just glad that I appreciated her, and this time I brought her a single rose, everyday.

            Maybe you will think that I over doing it or maybe you think that I am crazy, but if I love some one I want to be with her most of the time. Every day, every moment, as Aerosmith said in their song; “I don’t want to miss a thing”. After finished my work, almost everyday I will go back to Siti’s house and spent my time with her family. The other reason I was there was I want to show the family that I am serious about my relationship with Siti. Some people say that if you want to marry someone you have to make her family and friends like you too. So, I want to coerce myself into their life.

             It was not an easy task, and not easy in the pocket. My salary was not much then, only three figures.. As I told you in the previous chapters of ‘Our Story’, Siti had two brothers. Azlan was 16, and Azli was 5. I always bring something for them, tidbits, toys or just something to eat. We had dinner together, most of the time Siti cooked for the whole family, and some time I cooked. Her parents had begun to like me and trusted me. I guess for me, it was fun. I was not sure what they thought of me, why I went there every single night. I think I did a good job courting the family. Even Azlan already thought me as a brother and always asked me for advices.

            Other time we went a family outing together. We went to Sunway Lagoon, Bird Park and Orchid farm among others. She always divided her time equally with me and her family. Holding hands in front of the parents feel awkward, but yet it just showed that she was very serious in love with me.

            I knew they accepted me when I was bed ridden and was hit by the flu. I had the chicken pox. I was 21 years old. It was around her birthday 14^th September. I called my friend, Elinna to help me. I asked her to bought 21 red roses, and a soft toy as chubby as me, (I surveyed it a week before I was sicked) and asked Elinna to delivered the presents to her office, but this was not the story I want to told you. Siti came with her family and came visit me. This was going to be the first time our family will meet each other. I was nervous.

They came, Abah, Mak, Azlan, Azli and of course my beloved Siti. I don’t care about others, but the concern in her eyes when she saw me was just the thing to make me better. It went smooth, our parents talked, luckily not about us. They told my parents that they were worried about me, and wanted to see how I felt. Azlan was lauging his head off, looking at me and Siti. We were blushing and abashed.

I did what I did to get approval from the family. Siti had a bad experienced with her fiancé, and I didn’t want her family thought I was the same. The truth was, all this was her idea. She knew her family better than I. Until now I am still very close to the family. I love them and I guessed the feeling was mutual. Her aunties and uncles, her nieces and nephews, even her cousins’ families, I love them all.

...to be continued

50 Tahun Sejati... untuk Ayahanda & Bonda

Pada malam jumaat itu,
Berkumpul semua diam membisu,
Ditemani dengan pelita yang lesu,
Lafaz terpateri menjadi tugu,

50 tahun berganjak sudah,
Perkahwinan antara Haji Yunus dan Hajah Subiah,
Masih teguh dan masih gagah,
Dibuai bayu, hujan dan bah,

Di Tambun hari Jumaat,
Di Bruas hari Sabtu sejarah terpahat,
Dengan izin Allah yang maha Hebat,
Bahagia bersama sepanjang hayat,

Sebelum pernikahan tidak pernah bersua,
Tiada sebarang surat, gambar atau suara,
Namun cantiknya adat dahulu kala,
Hanya menurut kata orang tua,

Berpindah ke Kuala Lumpur sehingga kini,
Dikurniakan tujuh anak rezeki Illahi,
Gembira kami sekeluarga tidak terperi,
Dengan doa 50 tahun masih sejati dan sejoli...

(15Oct1959-15Oct2009)

donr deal - 150909

Kami masih menari...

Abah masih berdiri,
Tuah, Jebat & Seri,
masih menari,
walau hati kami sepi,

Abah masih menahan hati,
Tuah, Jebat & Seri masih menari,
gelak tawa rawan hati,
hati kami masih sepi,

Abah rindu sebak menanti,
Tuah, Jebat & Seri masih menari,
Tuah Jebat & Seri juga merindui,
hati kami masih juga sepi,

Abah cuba apa saja memberi,
Tuah, Jebat & Seri masih menari,
menari dengan airmata mereka di pipi,
kerana hati mereka masih sepi,

Abah tahu setahun sudah pergi,
Tuah, Jebat & Seri masih menari,
Juga mengharapkan pengganti,
masing-masing terasa sepi,

Abah masih menepati janji,
Tuah, Jebat & Seri masih menari,
Abah akan turut sama menari,
Agar hati kami sepi tapi tak sunyi....

done deal 17012008

Our Story : Chapter 9 : Happy Time Again

Happy Time Again

            Since then, I hear love songs like I never did before. They were like an antidote and intoxicating. We were now an item, not a puppy love any more, but we were seriously in love. I knew that I found the one whom I would love to spent my whole life with. (I did. Well at least, her whole life) I didn’t want any other. I promise my self that she will be the one and nothing can ever change that. Not a single thing. We were twenty years old.

            We only met once a week, because she was then an international flight stewardess and she always flew abroad. Every single night, though I received her call. Even for three minutes it was precious. I made sure if she was working, I would be home before nine pm. She always called around that time. It was great. And each time I would ask where she was. She wanted to give me her schedule, but I declined. I told her that I was her boyfriend then, not her husband…yet. I didn’t’ want her to think that I wanted to hold her down. Furthermore I loved the surprises. She was in Dubai today, in Los Angeles in the next day, in Beijing the next.

            She did ask me every single time she called me if I wanted anything from which ever country she was in. My answered was; “you”. As any other couple who is madly deeply in love we always ended our conversation with; “sayang dia...” (Love him), and the answered was; “sayang dia jugak..” (Love her /him too) When she came back, we always went out on a date, our venue a bit far then, since I owned a motor bike, or we used my father’s blue proton. She preferred the bike, because she felt sorry for my father, whom had to walk to mosque. The other reason was I always had to go back before sun down, but the main reason was she can hug me from behind. She always said that she will never let me go again.

            Siti was not a scrooge. She doesn’t mind spending her salary on her family friends and me. So many times I told her that I don’t want anything except to be with her, but she was a stubborn lady. Sometimes he bought me clothes, a pair of shoe, we went out and have lunch and dinner at fancy restaurants, and even gave me spending money. I was embarrassed by it. I don’t want to be labeled as a money sucker. Once, I don’t want to receive anything from her, but then, she told me if I want to make her happy, please accept. I had a choice; seeing her happy face the entire date, or a dark cloud circling her head. I choose the latter. She knew at that time I was working part time, and still studying to be an architect.

            During our dates, the first few months, we were sneaking around. I picked her up at the small gate behind the police quarters. I don’t like it. I wanted to pick her up at her doorstep. I wanted to ask her parents permission to bring their daughter out on a date, so that if anything happened, they can blame me. I got my wished, but after I knew her true story.

            She was actually engaged. Her fiancé named was Azlan. (Yes! The same name as her brother) Azlan was also working in the same airline company as Siti, and he was the one who handled her time table. Azlan treated her bad. He took all she had, her salary was his. She didn’t protest. She knew what he did was wrong but she didn’t do anything. She let it happened. She felt obligated to love this disturbing bended evil maniac. She was enchanted by him, binded by a black magic.

            Once, she told me that, she asked Azlan for a help. She was sick and in bed. She was hungry and craving a ‘char-kuey-teow’ from Bangsar. He did come, to her house but it was just a tricked. He forced her to get up and went with him. (She was very sick) That’s not the end of it, they stopped by at an ATM machine and withdrew her money, and then they went to Bangsar (with a taxi) and bought the ‘char-kuey-teow’. They went home after that, and he left with her money in his pocket. After that she realized what he did to her, and noticed that she was actually ‘forced’ by an unknown entity. She went back to her home town and found a cure, but a cure not a 100% cleared.

He was lucky because after Siti and I were back together again, I never ever once did see him. I did search for him though, in spite of Siti’s disapproval, because I really love to re arranged his’ face structure.

... to be continued

Dearest Families and Friends...

Dearest Families and Friends   

             I am happy. As happy as the bird flying in the sky, and every sunset returned home to its love ones. Do not misjudge me by what I have written here. The missed conception of me mourning is not true. Yes, I missed her,  I still have sleepless nights, but in all the things that I have been through I do not mourn for her. (I’m not in a denial) I do recite Yassin every Thursday night. I do not have regrets. Instead, I am glad.

          I am glad she passed away early. There was no suffering. She was surrounded by people who loved her. She was a good Muslim, a loving wife and mother. She was the lucky few. By her passing, she teach me and those who she left behind a lot; love, friendship, and God the Almighty.

          I am glad and thankful for so many things. I have three beautiful children that I adore and love. I have my family and friends who supported me through thick and thin. I even have a girlfriend. (Sorry, ladies) I have my health, and of course I have Him to thank for all that I am thankful for. I accepted everything that happened to my life. What I wrote here was actually done years ago. (Except for "Our Story") She is gone, and I am moving forward with strive. …

          A friend (thanks Arish) called me and highlighted me about this charade that I have been minister in my blog. It is hard to explain… some time when the kids are all asleep, I have nothing to do. Television does not interest me anymore, and so does (do I dare to say this?) Japanese anime that I downloaded for my own personal view, does not interest me much. So, I write. Before I wrote I need a subject, and at that particular time and moment, I think of her. (I did wrote in the top of my blog “it is just anything that comes in my mind”)

          My novels stayed untouched, as I buried myself on “Our story”. All this I remembered in a flash, like a rerun old film in my head. I need to put it down somewhere, I need to tell my memories of her to someone, but it would take hours. Days, even. Mourning was not the reason I wrote this. Sharing does. Someone told me it is good for the soul.

          A friend also comment to me that I wrote too much about her, the stories that was so and too personal that she think it was not meant to be shared. It should stay buried. The stories should stay with me. She also said that I opened a very thin line of having the painful truth out in the open, and by doing so disrespect her. My story, was to her, should stay only between me and Arwah Siti, and should start after I married her. She said it will give a wrong impression to those who knew her, and to those who don’t. She was afraid that my children will suffer from it. I must say there are some truths in what she said, I could not deny it.

          But then again, that was not my intention. My late wife as I describe her as best that I can is like a flower, a flower blooming in the middle of the city with the pollution and what not. A flower that with so many disadvantage and so many hurdles to go through and reach the sun. She bloomed to become a beautiful, charming and bright flower. Hopefully my children would understand and their love for their late mother will be greater than ever.

          I don’t consider myself an artist, but an artist to write or draw need something to base on for their masterpiece. It does not reflect the true nature of the artist. Alfred Hitchcock did not become a serial killer.

          My point of having the skeleton comes out from the closet was simply because to inform people that He is listening and watching. Even how far you strayed away from the straight line, there’s always a ‘U’ turn somewhere down the lost road. I want to set my late wife as an example, not to distained her, but to praise Allah. HE has plan for all of us, and only He knows, and with His will I sincerely want to share the bad, the good and the ugly truth of life.

          I hope we learn from someone else experience, rather than experienced it ourselves. I hope that by doing so we can see a mere worm became a wonderful stunning butterfly. We are human, after all and made mistake, and hopefully “Our story” we can learn to make amends on our journey to bliss.

         

          Enough said, being a single father I learnt a lot. I learnt to be patient, lenient and appreciated those who surrounded me. I learnt to cook my children’s favorites dish, I learnt to pick up what a little girl want in her drawers, I learnt to make my own decisions and I even learnt the art of nagging. I guessed this is nagging. Too much had been said here. Sorry if I had wasted your time, but due to the circumstances, I have to explain myself, so there’s no feeling sorry for me and my children. I don’t want your sympathy (though I accept moneyJ), all I need is your friendship, advice and your love.

          I am happy with my life, folks I have parents who scolded me if I did wrong. I have brothers and sisters who helped me emotionally and physically. I have my friends who are there when I need them. I am happy with my life. I have Tuah, Aniq and Intan. I have a job that have no stressed and a salary to feed my family. The best of all I have Allah the Merciful and the most Forgiven and I know He listened to my prayers. What more is there? Everything is summarized in two words… done deal.

          In the mere future, I don’t mind being alone, in my own paid house. All I need is my astro, my internet, my books and a surau near by. I am calm and at peace.

          My apologies if I had misled.

Done deal 080311

Our Story : Chapter 8 : The 2nd 1st Date.

The 2^nd 1^st Date

I can’t find a single word to express and to explain to you how I felt the day she called. After the break up I felt guilty. I felt that I made a mistake, big mistake. I was regretting my decision a few days later, but my ego and male machismo was so high I didn’t call her and ask her back. When she called I was practically screaming her name in her ear. I immediately ask her to meet me. I want to see her so bad. We set up to see each other on the next day, 8.00pm, Ampang Park shopping, mall.

I borrowed my father’s car and went to see her. She wore a vertical blue and white stripe jump suit, and a loose shirt. I was there early, I want to make amends, but she was earlier. She smiled when she saw me, and offered her hand. She was stunning! Total different from the last time I saw her. She cut her hair short. (She had a very long hair before). she have this  glow that I guess I never saw before, or never noticed it, or maybe never acknowledge it. What I saw was a beauty for me beyond compare. My heart goes to her…and this time I am really in love with her, and I vow to myself to never let her go again. If only she accepted me again….

I have some money this time, so we went to a nearest fast food and had dinner. I talked, she listened. She talked and acted like there’s no space and no ridge between us. It was just, I guessed, at that time a casual dinner with a long lost friend. I didn’t force her to accepting me again. I just told her I was wronged and I am sorry, begging her forgiveness. I also told her that I missed her and that I was not seeing any one after I broke up with her.

She didn’t say anything about accepting me again. As far as I know she most probably have someone else, but it didn't stop me from rambling like an idiot. When the time comes to go back I send her home. She still stayed at the same place. She asked me to drop her at the back gate (there’s a small gate for entries and exit).

As she exited herself from the car, she leans over and gave me a kiss on my cheek. It was electrifying! It was my first kiss comes from some one that is not a family. She blushed and said, while stepping out from the car, “I never did stop loving you…”

I smiled and drove away. She never said that she accepted me, and it broke my heart. I enjoyed the time I spent with her that day, but I knew that (so I thought) it was too good to be true, to continue what we had before. I did break Siti’s heart first, maybe I deserved it. I went straight home, didn’t feel like going anywhere but sleep. I was done. I was hoping that at least she wanted to be friends, but she didn’t say anything. Her kiss still lingering on my cheek all night, it was like she just wanted to show me what I’ve been missing with my decision a year and a half ago…

Later that night she called, and she comes straight to the point. She told me she was a different person. I answered; I don’t care. She told me that she may not be the right person for me; I answered; I don’t care. She said that I will regret if we were together again, but I said; you guessed it people; I do not care. I told her that I missed her and I realized how much I love her. I will not ask about her past, but I promised her the future, and I will never ever say and asked to break with her again. She laughed that magical laugh, and said, okay.

Have you ever felt that you are drowning helplessly, and then a hand grab you and bring you to dry land? The relief; the heaviness of dread just lift up from your shoulder, as quickly as it came. It was like an invisible hand was holding your heart, grabbing it and gradually while holding your heart, making a fist, but then it suddenly let it go and your heart is pumping normally again. The phone in my hand suddenly becomes as light as a feather. Siti  and I talked till dawn….

1993

... to be continued

Our Story : Chapter 7 : 1st Break Up.

1^st Break up

As months goes by, she was happy. I was not. She got accepted a position as a stewardess. She was 19 years old. Everybody was happy and proud for her. She cannot wait to tell me the great news. I was shocked and doesn’t like it one bit. She will be exposed to a fast life and will meet a better man than me.

She will leave me, and so I thought. It’s the most difficult, regretful and the dumbest decision I made. I broke up with her. To my stupid logical explanation, before she dumped me, might as well I dumped her first. From my stupid point of view, she will be surrounded with far more good looking men than I. she will meet tall dark and handsome people, for I have nothing. That was a black day. I cannot even remember the exact date. I wronged her. I, for the first time, hurt someone. Her heart broke to a millon pieces. She didn’t cry out loud, but her eyes was leaking and her teardrops streamed down her cheek.

What I knew, after I dumped her she went back crying and told her mum that I don’t love her anymore. That’s when she got wild, she became a rebel. Just to forget about me. She went on and took the job with MAS. We lost contact after that. I have gone through life as normal as can be. I took my STPM in 1992. The result was not too shabby, it was average. I work and further my study at F.I.T., wanting to be an architect. The college was cheap; furthermore, my friends went to the same college, Amran and Tish. It was almost a year I never saw or heard any news about Siti. Not a single word.

In 1993, I already have a bike. I have a driving license. I went to college and I work part time in tumble tots. One day, out of the blue, around 9pm in the month of August, I received a call. It was her, the one and only who had a crushed on me, in 1986; Siti Azura.

The early year of nineties, hand phone was not yet own by everyone. We either used the public phone or house phone, provided by Telekom. Almost every house had one, and the numbers seldom changed, but only on special request or if the provider (Telekom) have to change it for various reason. My house number had changed previously (from 4567193 to 4518980) after I broke up with Siti. It was not intentionally, it was just an upgrade. We want to have a ‘call waiting’ service on our house phone. Many times people called but the line was busy. So, a total change of number was made for that single service.

My late wife was a persistent lady. If she wants something she will try her best to get it. My house phone was listed, in a very big thick book of phone directory. Siti, remembered my father’s name, so with that, she searched the big heavy book. She memorized the number but was afraid to call me at first. She intended to just say hi, and want to know how I am doing. (She also want to know either I was missing her or not because she was….so much)

Siti went on accepting the job she was offered. She was a stewardess. She learned a lot and from here and she becomes an adult. Like a flower blooming, she learned so many things. She learned to speak English better than me (when we were dating before, she doesn’t like me to speak to her in English), grooming and of course socializing.

After I broke up with her, she dated many men. She date men like she change her own cloth. She went on a rampage, and she socialize as most of the socialize stewardesses do. I cannot elaborate more than I could, but I think you got the point. Don’t ask me because I will not tell. Suffice to say, what I wrote before “been there, done that” type of lady is all true. This ‘adventure’ she’s been through made me love and care for her more, because she actually fragile, for me all that made her whole, made her who she was after, made her a better person…

But still, it was I who should be blamed for what happened to her…

1993

1992

...to be continued

Our Story : Chapter 6 : Happy times.

Happy Times        

Few dates after that, we become much closer and I do love her. I didn’t bring her roses more than once or twice. She was not frustrated but she somehow understands my financial problems. I don't have an income.  Months gone by, we met almost every weekend. We progressed to holding hands, but never more than that. Our dates usually end very early because we only used public transportation.

            We had fun. We had fun together as most of lovers do, or did. We were in love. You might say it was a puppy love, but we don’t care. We never introduce ourselves to our parents simply because we were scared. We were eighteen years old. We were too young to involve in this kind of relationship.

            At the end of 1991, I told her that I want to work with her at Yaohan, a family store. She was excited and introduces her supervisor to me. I’ve got the job, in the gentleman’s department, selling pants. It was good pay, RM500.00 (for someone who had never worked before this is good...) per month. They accepted me even though I told them that I can only work for a month. It was a school holiday, and I still want to continue my study. This is the ‘power’ that I told earlier about her. I do not know how she persuaded her superior, but because of her, they accepted me on their payroll.

            Ironically, when I started work, she was gone. She moved to another store at Taman Maluri, Jaya Jusco. I was there alone, frustrated. The main reason I want to work there was to be near her. I don’t mind. She got her priority, and once a while she came to see me while I was working. We went for lunch or dinner, which every time she came. Mind you, not every day, but occasionally.

            The start of 1992 was good. I’ve got money to spend, and a girl to spend it with. Even though my school was at Ampang, she was at working in Cheras; I went to see her almost every day. I had to travel with 2 busses. It was not a burden to me. I was glad to do it. I travelled one and half hour to get there with public transportation.  In 1992 there were still no electric trains, not much highways, even a few of the busses was not air condition. She got a Chinese friend, named Yong, (cannot find her now. Until today, she still doesn’t know Siti is gone) and for the time being she was staying with her. Her house was too far to travel back and fro every day.

            She was not that excited to see me every day. She said I was distracting. Once a while was okay, but every day, she felt awkward. I don’t blame her. I was disturbing her work. So I concurred. I did not see her every day. She instead posts me a miss you card every day. She even kissed and put some perfume on the card. This is how she tells me that she was crazy in love with me and even though we don’t see each other every day it didn’t mean that she didn’t missed me. I didn’t appreciate the card. I wish I did now. I wish I kept it. I wish a lot of thing. I wish I’m the one who is sick and died…

            Her weekly rest day usually was on weekdays, but it was a school day for me. As I was in form six, my school uniform was also different. I wore white pants with a white shirt. Obviously badges at that time was steel with a pin, not a small cloth you stick/stitch on the front pocket. I do look old enough for people to look at me not as a school boy but as someone who is already working. As what other boy s do stupid thing when they were in love, I did it too. I skipped class and went to see her.

            My father just bought a new car, a Proton Saga, so he seldom uses his old car. Even though I haven’t got my license yet, I drive my father’s old car, a Toyota KE30, and went on a date with Siti. I lied to my parents (sorry mom and dad) and told them that my teacher wants to borrow the car. We always went somewhere that doesn’t cost much; the library, museum, zoo, lakes, movies, from morning to sunset. That was our time frame, so that our parents won’t catch us as a couple (actually only my parent, Siti’s mom knows about me and her).

Almost every week I will skip my school, (sometime with the car, and sometime not) and see Siti. We never quarrel, never had a fight, never even a miss understanding. The only thing that annoyed me was, whenever we went out, everybody would stare and smile. She was a beautiful girl and tall, while I was (not bad looking myself) short. We don’t mind. We still hold hands, tighter when people staring and smile cynically. We always smile back, and when they notice us noticed them, they look away awkwardly, and we laughed.

            I think my family and friends can agree that Siti have this laugh that invites you to join her. If she laughs, automatically and magically you will fall under her spell and laughed with her. The sound of her laughing, for me and my children was an antidote. Tuah always asked her whenever she was laughing, while laughing himself, (after translation) “mom, tell me why are you laughing?” and that my dear readers made her laugh more.

           

            I love to make jokes, as many of you know me, and my favorite audience was her. I loved to make her laughed. She sometime laughed so hard until she cried. I would gave away everything (except my children) to hear that laugh again. That ‘magic will bound you in my spell and you must laugh with me also’ laugh…

            I have to stop writing for a while. I am not sure where this smoke comes from but it reached my eyes. I will continue it later. I don’t want the keyboard spoiled from my watery eyes… the next part I will tell you a part of our relationship that I never told anyone but closest friends who was there for me thick and thin. For those people who knew Siti’s black past, this was the reason...

...to be continued

museum 1991

What do you do?

What do you do,
When everything is great,
Life is going your way,
Suddenly someone throws a curve ball?

What do you do,
When a friend beg you to help him,
Then, when you did,
Trouble came and he hide from you?

What do you do,
When you need to talk to someone,
A friendly ear to hear your complaint,
But it’s 2am and their asleep?

What do you do,
When you have a superb wife,
Who love and adore you,
Then suddenly she was taken away?

What do you do,
When your children ask you,
Why was their mother taken away,
And cry at night calling her name?

What do you do,
When your children did wrong,
Decision have to be make,
But no one you can discuss it with?

What do you do,
When you are sick,
Cannot sleep or get up,
But no one there to care for you?

What do you do,
When you need a hug,
Just a shoulder to cry on,
But there’s no one there?

What do you do,
When you want someone to hold your hand,
Look in your eyes and say “I love you”,
But your bedside is empty?

What do you do,
When you are lonely,
And nobody understand,
Even yourself?

What do you do,
When you prayed,
And you asked,
But everything is just the same?

What can you do?
It’s His will and we Redha,
We solat and doa,
And do what we can…



hafiz’s 10062009

Our Story : Chapter 5 : The 1st Date

The 1st Date

            I still remember the first day we met like it was yesterday. It was on Sunday. It was on 7^th July 1991. It was a start of a beautiful relationship. I didn't know it yet then but she knew. She had a power to see beyond. Like she can feel it, and know it to be true.

            It happened at the national Library at Jalan Raja Laut. I was with the 'Teenage Theatre Club National Library', under the tutor of the late Sudiro Sukiman. Her friend, Liza brought her to the club; it was love at first sight when she saw me. I don't know what she saw in me, I'm too short for her, and she is very tall. I stand right under her nose. She didn’t mind. She had a strange taste for men. Her favorite artist was Black from Wings. I on the other hand, didn’t felt a thing towards her.

            She tried desperately to make me like her. I remembered one time she came to me and start a child's game, whom ever blinked first, he or she loose. I ask her once,(a few years later) why she started that game, she told me that she just wanted to look into my eyes... I should stared back. I missed those beautiful eyes.

            She invited me to her birthday party at Taman Tasik Titiwangsa, organized by her for herself. All her friends came, all the theatre club members went, but I didn't. She asked me why? I told her I don't feel like it. She just said that it was okay and she didn't mind.  I found out years later that she organized that party because of me. She wanted to go out with me but too shy to ask. She was very disappointed.  I didn't give her any gift. I didn't say sorry even. She cried that day, went back with tears in her eyes. Mak asked her why, and she told her that the most important person didn’t show up. I am so cruel…

           

            As years went by, we finished school. The theatre club was closed; National Library was going too moved to Jalan Tun Razak. We went on our separate ways. She can't forget about me, so she called. Often. Only short conversation, saying hi, how are you. To her it was precious. Just hearing my voice made her happy. She missed me and that is why she called. I thought she was a nuisance. I talked longer with my best friend, Amran and his ugly. 

           

             Almost every day she called and this time she asked me out. I was not sure what to say, so I said yes. The date was on Saturday, she waited for two hours, in front of the Mall. I didn't come. She was not upset. She was also not angry. She was not surprised.

            She tried so many times, I can't remember how many time I stood her up. My excused always the same, either I forgot about the date or I came late and she wasn't there, so I went home. I lied. I didn't once go. I was bad. All the time she was not upset, angry or surprised. She was very happy I even spoke to her. 

            We talked longer every time she called, and sometime I called her. I was doing my STPM at Seri Ampang (name of a school), it was my first year there and I have plenty of extra time for her. Slowly and gradually I began to like her. I made her confessed with much persuasion and wit, and she confessed with much giggled and shy, that she had a big crushed on me. Then, I knew that she had been trying to get my attention from the day we met.

            At last I gave in. After I saw that she would never give up on me. She set the date for the umpteenth times. The date was at the Mall, front entrance, beside a big replica of sea-turtle. It was on Saturday 12pm, 7th July, visit Malaysia year, 1991. Somehow or rather I was scared. I'm beginning to realize that I was also fallen for her. I was afraid she would take revenge. I thought that she would stood me up. I came an hour late.

            She was there. A summer dress, flat shoes, hair tied in a pony tail, no makeup -and when she saw me she grin and blushed. She told me that she thought that I would stood her up again, she didn't expected me to come. We shake hands and we went for lunch. She paid. I don't have any money. I'm still studying; she was working at Yaohan (a shopping mall).

            I could see that she was nervous, but she was not expecting anything from me. We talked, we walked and we talked some more. Time really fly, we noticed that it’s getting dark. I walked her home, and this time it's my turn to confess. She was exited, she was glad and she was happy. I liked to see her that way because she glowed.

   After that we went back to our own home. It didn't stop there. I reached home and I called her and we talked until 3am. We talked about everything, from school to work, what we like and don't like. She was afraid that I'm just toying with her feeling and requested me to bring her a rose every time we see each other. We promised to make the second date on Sunday. That was the next day after the first date.

Arwah Siti and I : 1991@ Yaohan the Mall

...to be continued 

Our Story : Chapter 4 : Growing up in KL

Growing up in KL

While Endang (pronounce as ‘and-dung’) stayed with the family, a friend of Siti’s father  fell for her. Not long after a few courting and flirting, they were married. Hassan (Endang’s husband) is also a policeman, he stayed only a few floors up from Siti. 

In 1988, Azli was born. Her mother was hoping that with the newborn, will tie her father to his senses. It did work, only for a few years; abah always came back and stayed home, but when Azli was big enough to walk, his back on his usual bended self. Siti, who is 15 years old at that time, has a big responsibility. She was a mother at young age, taking care of her two siblings. Wait! It was not two, but three siblings. A few months after Azli was born, they took and adopted a child and named her, Siti Hazana. We always assumed that Azli and Nona was twin.

Nona stayed with the family only a short while. When Nona was a few months old she was taken ‘almost’ by force away. Abah‘s aunt want to take care of her and asked him to let her have Nona for herself.  The whole family cried, including Siti. Until now  she loved Nona like her own sister that she never had. I forgot Abah's aunt real name, but we called her, ‘Nenek (grandma) Rock’. She also played a big role in Siti’s life.

In 1989, Endang was pregnant with her 1^st child. She was at that time still an immigrant. Still hasn’t had a ‘red colored identification’. It was hard for her to go to any hospitals or clinics, furthermore her husband always not around. He was always gambling. So, at the time she wants to gave birth, she was alone. She called Siti’s mother to her aid, and her mother called Siti.

Andre Kawarman was born. Mrs. Tugarah delivered Endang’s baby in her bedroom. Siti helps by delivering lots of warm water. She called her father, Hassan, (Endang’s husband )and the ambulance. Like the movies, the cavalry came late. After the baby delivered the ambulance arrived and rushed the mother and the baby to the hospital. It was an experience that Siti will never forget.

Siti went to Sekolah Menengah Puteri Titiwangsa. Her house was at Jalan Ipoh. If any of you go through Jalan Tun Razak and use the flyover bridge of Jalan Ipoh, you can still see the police quarters by the side of the road. It is still standing. It got 4 blocks and 5 floors each, no lift. She was in ‘B’ block, third floor, house number 5. I clearly remembered it because I spent a lot of time there in years to come.

She had lots of friends, and they stayed friends with her until her dying days. Everybody keep in touch even after we were married. One of her 'best friend forever' lives in block ‘A’. Liza stayed nearby and went to the same school, most of the time they were together. Their family knew each other and also was closed.

When she was 15, (I remembered this because she always told me) she was canned by abah, but she told me it was her fault. She skipped school and went ‘roller skating’ with friends. This was a way siti rebelled against being given so much responsible at a very young age. In a way, she want to tell her family that she deserved to be a teenager like her other friends. (I always hug her when she told me this, until now I wonder why this story hurt her so much)

A year later, an incident happened. Liza was in a very big trouble. Siti, as her best friend came to the rescue. Suffice to say, that incident was suppose to be a secret, and I gave my oath not to tell a soul. I just want everybody to know that Siti would give her foot and limbs to help other who she loved.

She was a ‘kampung’ (village) girl. She moved to a big city, but didn’t had any culture shock. A lot of  thing happened that should made her derailed, but she was one of the lucky one. She knows what good and bad for herself. A little bit of trouble here and there, but none so severe that lead her into trouble. Even though her family was not an example of a happy family, but she and her brothers were loved by both of the parents. Her big family, visited from time to time by her uncles, aunties and even cousins made them as happy as a normal family ever was.

            She took her SPM on 1990, with the help of her best friend Radhi who confessed that he had a crash on her. Surprisingly her result was good. She wanted to continue her study in business. Her parent doesn't allow it, the reason; they don't have enough money to go around. While waiting for her result she was working, and abah didn't leave any money to feed his family, and they depended on her income. Abah always changes his car in spite of this.

            About the boy who had fall in love with her (Radhi), she rejected him; as gentle as possible because she already fell in love with me. She lost in touch with him after school, but after 7 years into our marriage she got his contact number and tries to call. It seems that he is still in love with her and was afraid to see her. Radhi married and he doesn't want her wife to get upset. (???Stupid man???)

Allahyarhamah Siti Azura & Allahyarham Azli

... to be continued

Night

Night,
I am suppose to sleep tight,
but I can't,
will i be awake until the morning light?

Night,
people fight,
with their will and might,
but I fly a kite?

Night,
KL is full of light,
It does shine bright,
but I am not right?

Night,
slumber should take plight,
alas it is not at sight,
Maybe because we are apart?

Night,
Did anybody lied?
time will heal hurt inside?
So why mine never subside?

Night,
As should be at night,
to wish a 'good night',
...but no one beside...?

hafiz's
09022010
107AM

Our story : Chapter 3 : Her Big Family

Her Big Family

            To know Siti, you have to know her roots. She was always proud with her big family. We Malays (or us if you are a Malay also) we love our family, as distant and as however the relationship of the family ties were. Uncles, aunties, cousins, 2^nd cousins, nieces and nephews, we recognize each other. We visit and revisit each other. We laugh and cry together as one big family. Siti had been blessed with a very big family.

Even though her father was an only child, but Mr. Johar‘s (after this will be refer as ‘abah’. He is anyway, by law (not by choice) my father…) father had three other wives. Each wife had sons and daughters that even Siti unable to count. Everywhere we go in Johor, we always met someone who is her uncle, aunties, cousins, and so on so forth. Magically she knew what to call them, either ‘wak’ (a man or woman who is older than the father), ‘cek’, (a man or woman who is younger than the father) or just ‘abang’(big brother) and kakak  (big  sister). I, on the either hand was confused, dumfounded whenever I saw any of her family (at first, now without her I’m worst!) . She told me just called them ‘abang’, and they will correct you if you are wrong, so to me, they are all ‘abang’ and ‘kakak’. 

Mrs. Tugarah (after this will be referring as ‘Mak’) has a lot of siblings, with only one mother and one father. Mak have four brothers and five sisters. If I’m not mistaken, my mother in law is the 4^th from ten siblings. So, you can imagine how many her cousins were. I can’t remember all their names but a few stuck and also closed to me, even now.

I introduced to you her family because in the coming stories of her, these people will make their appearance. More than once. Almost all the family knew her. That make it easier for me, when any of them asked me who am I? I just told them, “I’m Siti’s husband”, and they accepted me in their foil. Almost everyone came to her funeral, but not all, of course. We lived in Semenyih. Siti’s family lived at all over Johore. Her parents and grandparents lived at Kampung Seri Belahan Tampok, Rengit. The nearest big town is Batu Pahat, and it is eighty kilometers away.

She loved her family, and they loved her. She always bring cheers and happiness to wherever and whatever the time and place was. When they knew that she had cancer, everyone was supporting and behind her, in spirit most of them.

Siti's Family with Hassan's family

... to be continued

The Unknown

I'm thirty seven,
still no cash 2 burn,
wonder why it happened,
I was hit by 'money is not a problem'...

I have 2 sons and a daughter,
last time they had a mother,
now i am going to raise  teenagers,
I was hit by 'it is great to be a single father'...

I have so much plan,
and so much 2 gain,
then comes the rain,
I was hit by "let there be rain"...

tried 2 find a new wife,
just to be with the rest of my life,
not easy when 3 kids in a car i drive,
I was hit by "Not all wants an instant family life"

so back 2 square one,
I gave my trust to the One,
I don't mind at the end I'll be a lonely one,
I was hit by " I am the lonely one"..

I am not afraid of the unknown,
can feel it in my bone,
before the dawn,
 I will be again n again hit by the unknown........

hafiz's 23100010 0.51am

Our Story : Chapter 2 : Her Beginning Years

Her Beginning Years

            Siti Azura was born on Friday morning to at first a loving family. At that time her father was in a jungle somewhere in Pahang. As a police officer, his responsible was to the country. The communists still at large. This was on 14th September 1973. She was born at a general hospital Batu Pahat, Johor.

            She was raised as normal as possible, under the strict eyes of her mother. With a strong hand she was a pure heart at the beginning. I'm not sure what happened then. I didn’t ask anybody about her. This is only base on what she told me along the years we were together.    

            She told me that her mother was so strict that when she wants anything she just has to restrain. Even at one time she fell from a bicycle and was bleeding and hurt, her mother would hit her and yelled at her because she was not careful enough.

           It becomes worst when her brother was born. Azlan was born in 1977. Her brother was her mother's pearl. He was the apple of her mother's eye. He was much pampered. Everything that Azlan want she will gave, for Siti, the answers always no. What ever fights when they were kids, her mother always side with the son, not that Mrs. Tugarah didn't love her, is just that she didn't pay enough attention to her.

            Enters Endang, an Indonesian lady that stayed with the family. Siti’s mother took her in and treat her like a sister. Endang was the one who always there for Siti. When her mother was mad and angry, Endang was the one who she confides. When Azlan and she had a fight, Endang will be the one who took her side. She played an important role on Siti’s growing up and behavior.  

            She never had any grudge, to her brother or her mother. She loved both the way it should. They were very happy when disaster strikes. Her father slowly become obsesses with other things than his family and work. At that time there were staying in Kuala Lumpur. Her father was stationed at Brickfields; they sold their house in Batu Pahat and moved as a family to a police beret at Sentul. She was 13.

For reason unknown her father become wild. He gamble, drink, a womanizer and always not home. She told me that sometime she and her mother would go to a 'dangdut' bar to search for Mr. Johar. Her life was juggled between taking care of her youngest brother, Azli at that time still a baby, housework and school work. On top of that her parents always argue with each other. She didn't go crazy. She had her feet to the ground.

...to be continued